Naptime Nuggets

Silent Night

2011-12-25T04:31:00.000-06:00

As I type this, I'm sitting at work at my casual job--a nursing home not far from my house. It's Christmas Eve. Actually, I guess now it's technically Christmas morning, since it's 1 a.m. Despite the fact that none of the patients here want to sleep tonight, it's been a pretty uneventful shift so far. Even with the unexpected (and unusual) free time, and the holiday pay, I would rather be home in bed. I actually probably wouldn't be sleeping, but I wish I was home in front of the fireplace with the only other illumination being the lights from our Christmas tree. Even though everyone else has been asleep for hours, there's something about the silence of a full house in the middle of the night that has always brought me peace. Even now, this week, when I haven't been able to find much of either sleep or peace, I think a few hours of peaceful silence could do me good.

I don't know how to segue into this, besides to just type it, so please bear with me. My thoughts have been so scattered lately, and that will probably reflect in this post. I'm going to warn you right now that there will be some graphic elements to what I'm about to write, but it's something that I need to get out so that I can process some of the mess in my head.

I work the night shift at the hospital. Actually I work nights at the nursing home, too, but last Sunday night I was scheduled at the hospital. Sometimes, when our census is down the staffing office will call and offer an EA (excused absence) for the shift. Usually, for the night shift they call between 920 and 940 at night. For some reason on Sunday night, they called at 900 pm, and I was still sleeping. I had been hoping for an EA that night--I've been working a ton and it's starting to wear on me. I called back, hoping no one else had opted for the night off, but no such luck, so I grudgingly got ready for work. There are a few different routes I can take to get to work, depending on my mood and construction and traffic flow. That night I chose to take I-94 in since it's a faster trip and I hadn't left as early as I would have liked. I was on 94, halfway through St. Paul, when all of a sudden there was a car on its roof in the lane I was in.

I couldn't quite make sense of what I was seeing at first, but there was plenty of time for me to slow down, and get over one lane. I couldn't get over any further to the right because there was too much traffic coming up behind me. I pulled off to the left about 30 or 40 feet in front of the flipped car. As I was pulling over I was thinking "I shouldn't be stopping here." Then I got out of my car to check to see if anyone was hurt. As I was getting out of my car I was thinking "I should not be getting out of my car," and I turned back to get back inside. I wouldn't have been able to safely pull back into traffic until the scene was more secure, but I felt I would be safer inside my car. It seemed like a million thoughts were rushing through my head in that minute or two. One that seemed the loudest was that if it was me in that car, I would want someone to help me. I had my hand on the door handle to get back inside when I saw two men running down the road on the other side of the highway, and crossing over towards the middle. That's all it took for me to act instead of think.

I ran along with them towards the rolled car. It was a red four door sedan, and it was blocking most of the left lane. I learned later that a truck (driven by another victim) had merged into the car, which then lost control and rolled. The front of the car was facing west-bound, at about a 45 degree angle to the center barrier wall. The two men went towards the middle of the car, and I went more towards the front, trying to get around and see if anyone was on the other side. I also felt like I needed to be where I could see traffic, just in case someone came barrelling through past all the other stopped cars. The guys got the back passenger-side door pried open, and a young woman crawled out of the car. I was still unable to see over the car, and turned to the other guys and started to say that we should get out from behind the car, just in case. Before the words were even out of my mouth I heard the sound of metal on metal, and was hit by the car and thrown back onto the road.

I hit head and shoulders first, and all I could do was say "please, God, no" over and over. At least I think I was saying it, I know for sure I was thinking it. The car basically spun around me in an arc, missing me by literally inches. I honestly thought I was dead. The car finished its slide, and I was in flight mode. I scrambled up over the center barrier wall, expecting another impact at any second. It honestly took me a few seconds to realize I was on the east bound side of the highway, and in a spot where there is no shoulder. I was pretty disoriented from my head smacking the ground. As soon as I realized where I was I jumped back up over the wall and ended up right by my car.

Looking up to the right I noticed a couple of guys working on making sure no other traffic came through the scene. Looking down to the right, I saw one of the men who had been standing little more than an arm's length away from me barely minutes ago. His legs were obviously broken, he was missing teeth, and his intestines had come through his abdominal wall and t-shirt. It registered in my mind that there were two other people not yet accounted for. I looked to my left and saw a body in the road about 25 yards away, and another about 50 yards away. Neither was moving.

I saw people trying to move one of the victims, I think because they were afraid of more cars driving through, and seeing that kicked me into gear. I tried to yell at them to stop moving her, but again I'm not even sure if I was talking out loud at that point. I ran over to her, and noticed it was the girl from the rolled car. I immediately checked her breathing and checked for a pulse. She was still breathing and her pulse felt strong, but she was unconscious and obviously very injured. She had blood around her head and neck, but no obvious bleeding that needed to be controlled. A man walked up to us with a cell phone, and asked if anyone had called 911. I told him "just call." I also told him to ask if anyone had blankets. Another bystander started asking people and collecting blankets, towels, and tarps. I put a blanket over the girl, and a tarp to try to keep her warm. She was breathing, her airway didn't appear to be in danger, and there was not much we could do at that point.

Just then another nurse appeared by my side and asked how she was. I don't even remember what I said, except "she's alive." Another woman came by just then, and told the other nurse to stabilize the girl's head and neck. I don't know why it hadn't occured to me. Seeing people try to move her had triggered the thought that she shouldn't be moved in case she has a spinal cord injury, but then I couldn't make that connection when I was right there. I blame the smacking my head on the highway thing. All I could do until the other woman (who I've since connected with and is named Leah) came up to us, was hold the girl's hand and put my other on her stomach to try to let her somehow know she wasn't alone. Later I learned the young woman's name is Alicia.

After the other nurse came next to me and Leah had come by I realized I still had blankets, and there were two more victims on the road. I asked Leah about the young man (who we would later learn was named Marcus, and had been driving the truck) farther west on the highway, and all she could do was shake her head and say "he's dead." She then headed back towards my car, and I followed her. The man (who we later learned is named Keith) was making a horrible noise that I still can't get out of my head. It was somewhere between a groan and a sound like someone shivering. I remember his eyes being open, but I'm not sure he was seeing anything. There were friends of his around, including a woman who was (understandibly) hysterical, running around him and screaming. I remember grabbing her by the shoulders and telling her to stop screaming. I said that isn't going to help him. We need to hold his head and neck still. Leah was already working on that, but I needed this woman to stop screaming. That looks terrible as I type it, but it was hard to hold it together when all I could think was that should be me, and all I could hear was screaming and crying.

Leah stabilized Keith's head and neck, while I tried to assess for any obvious bleeding. He had jeans on, so it was hard to tell, but I didn't notice any blood pouring out of anywhere. Right then he started making a noise that sounded like he was choking on his own blood. We didn't want to roll him to try to protect his spinal cord, and thankfully just then some firefighters came and were able to get him on his side to keep his airway clear. There was another person there, I'm not sure if he was fire rescue, EMS, State Patrol, or St. Paul PD. He told the firefighter that the guy had a perforation, and all I could think was "you mean evisceration." Like the distinction really mattered at that point. My brain was so not with it. I turned to go back towards Alicia, but EMS already had her on a stretcher, and the other nurse that had been with her was walking back towards me. She had blood on her hands, and I remembered I had a diaper bag with wipes in the car. I pulled a bunch out for her and another guy.

The three of us stood by my car, and the other nurse (I got her name initially, but can't remember it now) asked if I was ok. I mentioned that I'd been hit by the car and had been thrown backwards, but I thought I was ok. The guy standing with us was talking to one of the responders, and mentioned I'd been hit. The responder told the guy to have me sit down and they'd come check me out. The other nurse saw me shivering (I'm still not sure if I was cold or in shock) and grabbed a blanket of hers that hadn't been used and covered me up. She sat with me until the responder (I'm assuming EMT?) came back to talk to me. He took my info, felt the bump on my head, asked if I wanted to go get checked out, and assessed my level of orientation (I got the date wrong, but then figured it out). All I could think was I can't leave the car here or it will be towed (and it was Martin's mom's car I was driving). I knew I wasn't ok to drive home or to the hospital, so I called Martin and he made arrangements to get over to St. Paul to pick me up and drive me to the hospital. The guy who had been taking my info cleared it with State Patrol that I could drive off since my car hadn't been involved. He tried to direct me through the middle of the accident scene, but I noticed what looked to be intestines lying in the road, and stopped. They finally got me off the road, and I drove basically around the corner to a Target parking lot to wait for Martin. The 20 minutes it took for Martin to get to me felt like hours, and I had my own hysterical breakdown there in the car. Martin showed up and drove me to the hospital where they scanned my cat, and gave me the all-clear to go home.

The next day I learned that a man driving a minivan had slammed into the car--and Marcus--going around 60 mph, causing the car to slide about 10 feet and do a 180 degree turn. Marcus was killed on impact, and flew approximately 50 yards, being decapitated in the process. It's hard to tell, but it seems like the impact from the car threw Alicia and Keith, rather than them being hit by the van directly. I've since connected with Alicia's father, and learned that she had a rod placed in her right leg, and they may need to amputate her left below the knee. She's being kept sedated, but it appears that the swelling in her brain is decreasing. They woke her up for a few minutes the other night, and she looked at her parents and squeezed their hands. I'm hoping that's a good sign. Her dad says she's tough and she's a fighter.

The other man, Keith, is a father to 6 children and is also still in critical condition. He's lost part of his left leg, and may lose an arm. As far as I know he hasn't woken up yet either. The driver of the truck in the original accident, Marcus, had been on the way to drop his girlfriend off at her home on his way home to Michigan for Christmas break. His girlfriend saw him hit, and ran up to his body after he landed on the road. I saw her being led away by a police responder, and she was hysterical. I couldn't even understand the words she was saying. My heart aches for her. No one should have to witness that.

I'm fine, except for bumps, bruises, scrapes on my knee and elbows, and a near constant sore neck and headache. I was picking debris out of my hair for days, and kept biting tiny rocks that night, even after rinsing my mouth out several times. I can't sleep, and am having frequent flashbacks and startling at the slightest bangs. But I'm alive and home with my family on Christmas, with no life altering injuries.

The driver of the minivan? His name is Eugene Farrell, and he was drunk when he drove past dozens of stopped and slowing vehicles and plowed into an accident scene. He never even hit the brakes. He was booked into the Ramsey County jail after being treated for minor injuries (he has a black eye). He was released from jail on Wednesday, and is home for Christmas. I don't even have words for how angry that unfairness makes me.

I don't know how to process everything that happened, and I find myself wanting to do nothing but hole up at home with my family and hold my babies close. I don't know how I'm ok. I shouldn't be, given where I was and the condition of the others who were mere feet from me. It definitely makes this Christmas bittersweet. The only thing Martin said to me that night that showed he was shaken by the events of the evening, as he choked up, was "I don't know what I would have told Kaleb." The thought of him and Karina growing up without me there to be a part of it makes me want to break down and cry. I don't know why I was spared, but I thank God that I was.

I'm back. With the first chunk...

2011-12-12T03:22:00.000-06:00

Holy cow, I can't believe my last post was almost a year and a half ago! I've kept meaning to catch my blog up, but the longer it went the more daunting the task seemed. But now I'm going to take a cue from Nike, and just do it. I think the best way to catch up on a year and a half is to do it in chunks. First of all, back to July, 2010.

In two of my last posts, I alluded to bad news that I should post about but didn't want to. I'll do that now. Bad things always seem less horrible when viewed from a distance.

Since Martin had lost his job, we were barely getting by. Each month got a little tighter. We ended up having to apply for assistance to try to keep our townhouse. We were just trying to hold on until I could get a job that would pay the bills. We qualified for rental assistance, which helped fill the gap. In early July the payment from the county (which always went right to our property management company) was late. We had our part of the rent, but our landlord refused to accept a partial payment. Instead they chose to evict us. We asked that they return the county's payment since they weren't going to use it to allow us to stay in our home, so that we could use it to find a new place to live. Instead, they waited until the week after we vacated and then cashed the check. It was a horrible time.

Looking back I don't really know how we made it through. I think it was just that we had small goals and needed to meet each one in a short amount of time. We threw together a garage sale and made enough to rent a storage unit and pay for a motel for a week or so. From late July through mid-September we were homeless. Martin still had the paper routes, so we had about a $1000 coming in each month. He would get paid, we'd pay what few bills we had left (storage, insurance, cell phones, food, and gas), and use what was left to rent a motel room until money ran out. Then he (and Chevy) would live in the Focus while Kaleb and I went and stayed with my parents. Then he'd get paid again and we'd get to all be together once more. Again, it was a horrible time.

Since we were an intact family, we qualified for emergency assistance to help us pay for a hotel room. We still had to pay our part, but we got help, and it eliminated me having to take Kaleb and go to my parents' house. Shortly before we were evicted, I found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock! And it only added to the stress. One of the requirements of receiving support from the county was that we had to have visits from a social worker. It was a pretty crappy feeling. But she said she had seen many families in our situation, and most of them ended up splitting up from the stress. She said it looked like Martin and I would escape that fate, and that we seemed to work really well as a team. I think he and I have always done better when we're working towards a common goal.

I mentioned in one of my last posts that I had a job interview lined up. I ended up getting the job at a nursing home 65 miles from home. The job was a Godsend, but it was also one of the toughest job situations I've ever been in. Before I even got my first paycheck we were kicked off emergency assistance. Thankfully around that time we also found an apartment. It turned out to be a really crappy place to live, but it was a roof over our heads and we all got to be together (in more than a tiny hotel room). Martin starting referring to it as the "crappy new house," which is, of course, what Kaleb starting referring to it as, also. We moved in on Friday, September 13, 2010 (which should have been an omen). It was a tiny little two bedroom, so Anthony got one room, Kaleb got the other, and Martin and I bought a futon for the living room. If it wasn't for our horrible, horrible neighbors (short version: drug busts--seriously, SWAT with assault rifles drawn--more than once, fights on a weekly basis, abusive parents across the hall, and more screaming than I ever want to hear again), it would have been a cozy place for us to live and regroup. And regroup we did...

The Munchkin Turns Two

2010-07-24T08:15:00.002-05:00

I have a not so fun/upbeat post to write (I guess I don't have to, but I'd really like to be real here), but I'm procrastinating (you're shocked, I know!), and I'm going to write a cute post about Kaleb instead. He just turned two not so long ago, and he's at a really fun age.

I never imagined that one little boy could bring so much love and joy into my life. Even when things have seemed pretty bleak lately, I look at him, or hear his sweet little voice, and everything seems better. Then he throws a monster, 2-year old, neighbors about to call the cops, flopping around on the floor temper tantrum, and I'm right back to reality.

Kidding.

Mostly.

Kaleb is a little jokester, and loves to laugh and make others laugh. He calls all little kids "baby" even though we'ver repeatedly corrected him that they're big kids (or little kids, or teenagers, or whatever). When he gets hurt he says "I sowwy" because apparently I said that (well, I said sorry, not sowwy, but you know what I mean) a lot when I would be changing his diaper and he'd have an obviously sore bottom. He loves giving kisses and confuses the heck out of Chevy, who doesn't know if he's about to get tackled, ridden, or kissed. Everything big is "daddy" and everything little is "baby." He has two little school buses he carries almost everywhere. One is daddy schoolbus (which comes out sounding just like toothbrush) and the little one is baby schoolbus. Semis are "big trucks," and when he says he loves something it comes out sounding like lalalala big trucks. It's adorable :) Oh, and doggy sounds just like daddy. That one has caused a few confusing moments...

He had a man thoroughly confused not too long ago when we passed him as he was getting on, and we were getting off an elevator. This guy had to have been 6' 5" easy, and Kaleb had to lean waaaaay back to see all the way to the top of his head. He turned around, pointed, and said "daddy!!" I knew he meant that the guy was big, but boy did I get a look :)

Kaleb loves the pool, but has no fear and no concept of the danger involved in walking into deep water. We're hoping to get him into swimming lessons this year to help with some of that. He wanted very badly to follow a gaggle of geese into a pond earlier today. "Pool?" No, honey, that's a pond, and we can't swim with the geese. "Ducks?" Geese, sweetie. "Ducks?" Geese. "Ducks!" Sigh.

Cookies are chi-chis, he's very specific about when he wants apple juice, and will ask specifically for "appa juuuuuice." He's recently become addicted to fruit snacks, and asks for them in the most adorable way, but I can't translate it. He's learning thank you, and if it's something he really, really wants he will bust out a "pease" without having to be prompted. He loves his grandparents to pieces. If he can't find someone he'll ask "papa, where ah ooh?" When he's impatient it's "c'mon!"

He's a very stubborn, demanding, shy around people he doesn't know well, car loving, apple juice swigging, picking up new words every day (even though he'll only say them when he wants to), giggly, truck obsessed, loving little boy, and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world :)

Catching Up

2010-07-23T22:44:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I last wrote! Yikes! And holy cow, has a lot happened since my last post. To catch you up (or me, cuz let's face it, I'm pretty sure any followers I might've had have long since vanished), Martin didn't get the job. They yanked him around for a few days and finally said no thanks. He's had a few other interviews, but nothing has panned out yet. It's so frustrating for him, and it's so hard for me to watch him go through this.

On a brighter note, I finished my preceptorship, graduated school, started on my BSN (4 year degree), passed my boards just last week (WOO HOO!!!), and have an interview lined up for next Wednesday at a nursing home in a little town about an hour, hour and a half south of here. It would be a long haul, and it's not my dream job, but I'll take anything I can get at this point! Hospitals aren't hiring new grads, and some places (hospitals and nursing homes alike) aren't hiring nurses at all. It's a really sucky time to have graduated, let me tell you!

And now on to a less bright note... Never mind. I'd like to end this post on a bright note. I don't know when I'll get to do that again, so I'll just start another post.

Babies, babies, babies!

2010-04-28T23:15:00.000-05:00

So we're still not sure whether Martin got the job, or not. He had orientation and a road test on Monday and Tuesday of this week, but they're not sure if they're going to hire him on or not. It's very frustrating, and it seems like no one really knows what's going on. He should find out for sure tomorrow, or at the latest Friday, and if he's hired he'll leave Friday for the first 14 days of a 42 day run with a trainer. I'm just praying right now that this will work out.

On a happier note, I'm 3 shifts away from finishing my 80 hour preceptorship on the labor and delivery unit. It's so much more interesting than I thought it would be (so different from what our OB clinicals were like), and makes me think I'd like to work L&D someday. Someday, when I'm ready to settle in somewhere, and when I'm past the age of having little ones. It's a wonderful place to be, with babies being born all day long (17 on my first day) and there's so much to learn and so many things to stay on top of. Labor and delivery nurses have a lot of autonomy (at least at the hospital I'm at) and need to make split second decisions that affect not only mom, but baby too.

Unfortunately, there's also a sad side to labor and delivery. We had an IUFD (Intrauterine Fetal Demise) come to the unit last week, one of several over the past several weeks. The mom was 36 weeks pregnant, and the baby had a reactive NST (non-stress test) and a positive biophysical profile (BPP) just days before. It was suspected that the baby had some kind of chromosomal abnormality, based on some early testing during the pregnancy, but mom had declined an amniocentesis. They tried to induce labor, so the mom could deliver vaginally, but unfortunately it didn't work and she ended up needing a repeat c-section. After mom, dad, baby and the rest of the family had a bedside blessing ceremony and had time to hold, take pictures, and spend time with their baby girl, the baby's body was taken to a room to await transfer down to the morgue. My preceptor thought it would be relevant and important for me to see the baby. It was the saddest thing I've ever seen. I know that God has a plan for everything, but my brain can not make sense of why babies die.

I had intended for this post to take a different direction, but I think I needed to get that experience out. Next time I'll focus a little more on the positive (and sometimes funny) side of working on the L&D unit.

And I'll try to post some pictures of the munchkin. He's getting so big, so fast, and learning new words everyday. It's absolutely amazing!!

The light at the end of the tunnel

2010-04-16T14:32:00.000-05:00

I've always been a pretty optimistic person. Not quite full-on Pollyanna, but I usually feel like things will turn out for the best. That attitude has been a little tough to maintain lately, with everything that's been going on. It's felt less like things are getting better, and more like the light at the end of the tunnel is a train heading my way.

Hopefully (knock on wood) that is about to change.

I'm less than a month away from graduating, and, provided I find the time to study, I'm mere months away from working again. Not only working, but working a job that will actually allow me to pay my bills. A job that is not dead-end. I'm hopeful.

I'm also hopeful because Martin finally got a call back about a job. He goes in a week and a half for orientation. Provided that goes well he can start training. The job is driving semi over the road, out for 10 days, home for 2.

It's not the job either of us would have picked for him right now, but it's a job. Income would be really nice right about now. We're uncomfortably close to having the car repossessed, and we're still going to be short on May's rent. We've been trying to get stuff together to hold a garage sale to hopefully make some rent money, but we lost steam on that project. Hopefully next week we can start back up on that.

I start my preceptorship tomorrow. That's where we work one-on-one with a nurse for 80 hours-worth of shifts, the idea being that we would be working (mostly) independently with multiple patients by the end of the 80 hours. I'm working labor and delivery, and very much looking forward to it.

So right now, things seem to be looking up. And not the sound of a train to be heard...

I need to get some pictures uploaded, and hopefully I can decrease the doom and gloom factor of this blog, while increasing the cuteness factor exponentially.

Blog Vomit...Warning: this is just me venting on built-up emotions

2010-04-05T12:02:00.000-05:00

I'm thankful that Kaleb is so young while we're going through the hard times that we are. He doesn't know that anything is different than it was 7 months ago. I try not to show my stress around him (which probably explains the headaches I've been having so often lately). He thankfully can't do math to understand that the $1000-1200 we're earning a month can not come close to covering even our rent and car payments, let alone the other necessities we have each month. He's too young to read a calendar to know that yesterday was Easter, or to understand that the Easter bunny completely skipped our house. Buying candy and a basket has definitely not been at the top of our list of priorities lately.

As I'm typing this, I realize not only how long it's been since I've blogged about my munchkin, but how long it's been since I took pictures of him. I've been feeling so down that some days it's hard enough getting my butt out of bed/off the couch to play with him; taking pictures hasn't even been on my radar. That needs to change. I want to remember this time. Not for the hardships we're experiencing, but for the amazing little boy Kaleb is becoming. He'll be 2 in a few months, and I can't believe how quickly the time has gone. He's running everywhere, talking (adding new words by the day), and has been learning his letters. It's so cute. He wants to know what all the letters are on signs, shirts, newspapers, etc. So far he knows the capital letters A, I, Y, O, E, M and sometimes R. I had no idea he knew any letters until we were at the library a while back and I held up a foam letter Y and asked him what letter it was. He knew. I guess he's been paying attention as I name the letters on his blocks...

This is scary for me to put out there, because I know there are a lot of judgmental people out there, but I'm going to take the chance anyway. We had to go apply for public assistance through the county. It feels horribly degrading the way some people treat us once they know we're taking help from the county. So far that help includes cash assistance that goes right to our rent, food assistance, daycare assistance (which we have to use to get the cash assistance), and health insurance. In order for them to send the money to our landlord, we both have to spend 35 hours a week actively looking for work. They also told me that I needed to quit school, that it's not a priority. I was told that it would be better for me to work full time at a minimum wage job than to finish the last 2 months of school before graduation. The kicker is that we're only eligible for the cash and daycare assistance until the end of May anyway. I'm not sure how taking myself out of nursing school (jobs that start at more than $20 an hour) is more beneficial than quitting and setting myself up for needing continuing assistance from the county. Supporting myself = bad, taking a minimum wage job that will keep me dependent on assistance from the county = good?? It's so frustrating. So starting a few weeks ago, Kaleb goes to daycare 35 hours a week so Martin and I can look for work. Between us, Martin and I have a ton of applications out there, but so far neither of us has gotten a call back.

The not so good thing about getting this assistance is that in the 2 or 3 weeks that Kaleb has been in daycare, he's been healthy two of those days. One good thing about getting help is that we now have health insurance. Good thing, since Kaleb started to get worse this weekend, after having a cold that was getting no better for almost 2 weeks straight. Poor kid was wheezing, coughing so hard he was gagging, and so worn out all he wanted to do was sit around--SO not my boy. By the time he got up from his nap yesterday we decided we needed to take him in. Apparently it's a combination of croup, RSV, and general cold stuff. He got a dose of prednisone, a nebulizer treatment, and was sent home with a prescription for more neb treatments. If we didn't have insurance we wouldn't be able to afford all that. We're spending the day today trying to get Kaleb to rest, hoping he'll start feeling better. Right now I'm downstairs blogging (obviously), and about to lay down and try to get rid of this headache. I'll relieve Martin after nap time and hopefully he can get some rest too--we both caught the first cold Kaleb brought home a couple weeks ago, and it seems to be settling into Martin's chest.

I've already written about 3 times more than I intended to. I think I just needed to get some of this off my chest. If there are any readers out there reading this, could you please say a quick prayer (or 2) for my family? A couple things we definitely need prayers for are: our health as a family, and especially Kaleb's breathing; that we'll find work soon so that we won't be facing eviction or the loss of our car (necessary for Martin's paper routes); that we keep our sanity through all of this; that this time of struggle will bring us closer to each other and to God, instead of driving us apart. Thank you.

The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

2010-04-02T11:42:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in over a month. I've tried, and I've had things to write about, but the combination of having so much school work this semester, and the way life has gotten in the way, I just haven't made this blog much of a priority.

It feels lately like nothing can go right. I've been struggling with school in a way I haven't since first semester. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted all of the time. We found out that Martin is no longer eligible for unemployment, and it's just a matter of time before everything falls apart. I was just trying to focus on getting through the next couple months while being the best mommy I can be while finishing school so I can support us. Then last Saturday morning happened.

I was in the middle of a dream where I was trying to swim in a pool with a polar bear (a friendly one), but I couldn't stay above water. The harder I swam, the faster I sank. Right then Martin was shaking me awake saying "Becky, wake up, Dozer's dead." The words made no sense, and it took a while for me to make sense of what was happening. Dozer was our big boy kitty. He was seriously huge--not fat, just really large. When he walked next to me I could hold his tail without leaning even a little to the side. Kaleb loved laying on him like he was a big body pillow, and Dozer just put up with it. He was the sweetest kitty who's favorite thing in the world to do was take naps with me. He'd crawl under the blankets and curl up right next to me; when I was pregnant he'd lay next to me and knead my belly. Even though many people think pets are disposable, he was a big part of my life and is sadly missed.

What makes me the most angry about the whole situation is the way Dozer died. We have a big plastic food bin, and Dozer was constantly trying to open the lid and eat the food. After he dumped it and the cats ate all the food, we got a new, bigger bin for the dogs, and moved theirs downstairs for the cats. It had a handle that flipped up in order to unlock the lid. Dozer was always trying to push it open with his nose to get at the food, just like he could with the smaller one. Sometime that Friday afternoon, he succeeded. He got into the food bin, and one of the other cats must have jumped on the lid once it closed, which made the handle latch just enough that it locked. Poor Dozer was locked inside the airtight bin, and I was so out of it that day (it was a really bad day) that I never realized he was missing. It should've dawned on me when he didn't come up to try to scam some of Kaleb's dinner. Martin found him laying in the food bin the next morning when he went in to feed the cats.

It was such a senseless accident, and the danger of the food bin never dawned on me. It angers me that a pet supply company would design and sell a bin that had that danger as a possibility. It makes me so angry. Right away we checked the dogs' bin, and that one has a handle that secures from the bottom, so there's no way it can accidentally latch. To top it off, we don't have the money to properly dispose of poor Dozer. The vet needs $85 to have him cremated if we don't want the remains back, and $130 if we do. The only other advice they could give was to bury him. We rent--not sure the owners (or the homeowner's association for that matter) would appreciate that gesture. We're still over $300 short on our rent this month, so we definitely don't have that kind of money. So as creepy as it seems, we have Dozer wrapped up in a box inside a bag inside our big freezer until we can afford to have him properly taken care of.

I know in the grand scheme of things, the death of a pet is low on the list of things that could go wrong. It just seems like the past few years it's been one thing after another and if something does go right, it's not for very long. I'm really not trying to have a pity party here. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am, I'm just also tired of the number of things that have gone to crap.

I don't really have much else to write right now, and I have two papers that were due yesterday that I really should finish. It would suck to be kicked out of the program a month and a half away from graduation for something as dumb as not turning in some papers. Blah.

At least he knows his animals...

2010-01-27T22:13:00.000-06:00

We were eating dinner the other night when the following exchange took place. Well, Martin and I were still eating dinner. Kaleb had finished and was playing nearby. Kaleb saw Martin had something different on his plate, so he wandered over to see what daddy had.

Martin: Munchkin, do you want some chicken? (holds a bite of chicken out for Kaleb to try)

Kaleb: Buck, buck, buuuuck!

Martin: (trying not to laugh too hard) Yes, honey, that is what a chicken says. Would you like a bite?

Kaleb: *shakes his head no and walks away*

Mommy: *tries not to shoot milk out of her nose*

Where'd it go?!

2010-01-21T23:53:00.000-06:00

I'm actually just on my way to bed, but I had to write about something Kaleb did today, because it was so darn cute I don't ever want to forget it.

So, it gets cold here in Minnesota in the winter. I think today it was in the low 20's (which is actually quite balmy for January. In Minnesota). In older houses it's pretty common to have to put plastic over the windows to keep the heat from being sucked out through the cracks. We don't have a very old home (probably 10 years or so??), but we do have a sunroom that is on the back part of our main floor. You may have seen it in pictures--that mint green monstrosity??

Seriously, our friend once said he felt he was trapped inside an Andes mint when he was out there. But I digress...

Anyway, the sunroom is a four season room, but the way it is built, there is no insulation (or really crappy insulation) under the floor. That combined with the fact that there are two big windows and a sliding glass door means it gets pretty chilly out there. We used to close the doors and put a little space heater out there when we used it as a TV room, but we've had it open all this winter.

A while back we had a cold snap, and decided to see if keeping those doors shut made much of a difference. Boy howdy, does it! About 30 degrees difference on the colder days! 30 degrees!! As in 71 inside the house, 41 in the sunroom. Crazy.

It's kind of fun though, to open the doors in the morning and feel the big rush of cold air. It's not so fun to realize how much better the whole house stays heated when the doors are closed.

No fun at all for the munchkin, who uses the sunroom as a toy room.

We've been pulling toys into the living room in the morning, and switching them out as needed. That was not an appropriate solution in Kaleb's mind. He wants the doors open. And he pushes them open all day long. So today Martin came up with a solution that works for everyone. He hung a thick blanket over the doorway, which allows people (and animals) in and out, but mostly keeps the heat in the living room.

Today after his nap, Kaleb didn't pay much attention to the big red blanket over the doorway. Martin put it up during naptime, so Kaleb hadn't seen it yet. About 45 minutes after he got up Kaleb was running around playing, then decided to go over to the blanket and peek around it. All of a sudden he yelled "Der it is!" and ran into the sunroom. He wasn't looking for any toys, he just went in then came back out a minute later. It was hilarious! I'm not sure where he thought the sunroom went, but he finally found it. Oh to have the mind of a toddler ;)

Lexi (our Jack Russell) wasn't quite so intuitive when it came to the blanket. She didn't try to peek around it at all. But Martin threw a tennis ball towards it, she chased it, and tried to stop, then braced for impact like she was about to hit a wall. You could almost hear the dumfoundment (is that a word?) when she passed on through the "wall."

Thankful I don't have the mind of a Russell...

Not much to say

2010-01-16T10:51:00.002-06:00

Time to catch up

2010-01-15T22:23:00.000-06:00

I thought that having a month off from school would give me plenty of time to catch up and stay on top of the whole blogging thing. Apparently, though, I blog the most when I'm trying to procratinate. Hmmmmm. So I was hardly ever online during my break and need to do some catching up.

Let's see.... Well, we never made it back to Santa. The money just wasn't there to get an actual picture, and Kaleb doesn't get the whole Santa thing yet, so it didn't seem worth it to go. I didn't realize, but Martin's mom was able to snap a picture the first time. I think Santa looks almost as thrilled as Kaleb does lol.

I should probably crop that pic down. It's tough though, because it's a scanned picture. But still priceless :)

Christmas was fun, Kaleb got the whole opening presents idea down pretty quickly. We got a big snow storm on Christmas day, so my family came down the next day instead. It was really nice having everyone together.

Hmmmmm. This is really tough, for some reason. Things just aren't flowing tonight. I'm back in school, and technically procrastinating, so I don't understand what the problem is.

I'd throw in a picture or two of Christmas morning, but I wasn't thinking ahead and only videoed (is that a word?) it. So yeah. That's about all I have right now.

Guess I'll go study.

What have I become?

Halves

2010-01-14T20:45:00.000-06:00

So I made it through past the halfpoint way of my last year of school--for the RN (ASN) program anyway. Today was our first technical day back to school. I say technical because we had a day of "orientation" on Tuesday that was pretty much worthless. I decided against taking any extra classes this semester towards my BSN. I think the stress of taking extras was really getting to me. Plus, this is the last semester. The last semester!!!! So besides the normal crush of classes and clinicals, we have an 80 hour preceptorship, I have to study for the HESI test, and ultimately the NCLEX, and I'm also doing an honors project. So I'll be plenty busy. I've also been trying to get back into a routine of working out so I figure I'll leave a little time for that :)

Today is also momentous because it is Kaleb's half birthday. I can't believe my little baby is already a year and a half old! I can remember his birth like it was yesterday. While I've tried to cherish every moment I can of Kaleb's babyhood, the time is going by entirely too quickly. I wish I could slow the hours and the days down to keep him little as long as I can. At the same time, though, I love watching him grow into a little boy. He's sweet and funny and a mama's boy. He loves helping and sharing, and talking on the phone. I've been thinking of writing a post about the day Kaleb was born--I want to remember as much as possible and don't want to wait too long. Maybe that will be next :)

Santa, take 2

2009-12-22T00:40:00.000-06:00

We tried taking Kaleb to see Santa yesterday, but he wasn't having it. He was all smiley and giggling at other kids sitting on Santa's lap, but as soon as Martin set him down (after making friends with Santa first) he started to get teary eyed and was heading toward a mini-meltdown. I tried showing him how nice Santa is, and Santa even gave him a sucker, but it wasn't going to happen.

The little boy in front of us in line was a crying, sobbing mess, but his parents made him stay on Santa's lap. I'm not going to criticize anyone's parenting, or their choice to get pictures of their terrified child on Santa's lap, but it's just not worth it to me. Add to that the fact that my dad very closely resembles Santa (in fact there's a little girl my parents know who is convinced that my dad is Santa) and I'm afraid Kaleb might project that fear onto my dad. It happened with my cousin's daughter (who refused to even look at my dad at our family Christmas party after her Santa drama), and I guess it made me a little paranoid :)

The kicker of it all was when I was carrying Kaleb back over to where Martin was standing, an employee actually asked me if I was going to buy a package. Like somehow sitting on Santa's lap required a fee of (at least) $26 (yes, seriously, the smallest photo package was $26!). I told her I don't really want to spend almost thirty dollars to buy a picture of my son scared on Santa's lap.

I mean, really.

I think this post is starting to sound a little bit Grinch-y, and that was definitely not my intention... I blame it on my sinus infection and how yucky I'm feeling (which reminds me, can I just say how thankful I am to have found a doctor who deals only in cash? Doesn't work with insurance companies at all, only charges $36 for an office visit, and has a place that will run labs for reasonable? SO thankful. And thankful for Z-paks [thank you Pasteur and Koch])

So anyway, I'm glad Kaleb didn't completely freak out yesterday, and we still have a little Christmas shopping to do tomorrow so we're going to try a different mall and see if maybe a second helping of Santa lessens the anxiety a bit. Since we don't have a picture of Kaleb with Santa this year, here's a look at how last year's visit went:

Aaaaand this year:

Tonight we wrapped a bunch of presents, and now it's late. Martin's lying next to me and I keep getting big heavy sighs and the occasional toss-and-turn, so that probably means I should sign off... Hopefully I'll have a cute Kaleb and Santa picture to post tomorrow :)

Understanding the concept

2009-12-19T07:19:00.001-06:00

"Sweetie, mama can't understand you with your nuk in your mouth. Can you take it out please?"

*takes out nuk* "ah bah bah ish nder?" *puts nuk back in*

"Oh really?"

What else can I say? I generally can't understand half of what he says, but at least he's getting the idea down right? I just don't tell him that I have no idea what he's babbling about. Unless it seems like there's something he's trying to tell me, then we usually get it figured out.

My Munchkin

2009-12-19T02:18:00.000-06:00

You know, I thought that being on break would lend itself well to the whole blogging concept. Lots of free time, no need to procrastinate, and being able to log onto the computer out of pleasure, not necessity should provide plenty of opportunities for blogging, right?

Yeah, that's what I thought too. Turns out I was wrong. The reasons above? Well I do have lots of free time...that I'd rather spend playing with Kaleb. I have no reason to procrastinate...therefore I spend less time messing around on the computer. And as for logging on for fun instead of drudgery? Well see reason number one for that answer. Why log on at all when there are munchkins to be tickled, and cars to be raced?

So I've been MIA for a little while. My last two posts I actually scheduled, so technically I've been off of Blogger for going on a week now. And I'm starting to go through a little withdrawal :)

I was planning to get some posts started today, but that idea went right out the window when Kaleb woke up with the worst diaper rash he's ever had.
And he's had some doozies letmetellyou. On top of that, he and I are both battling nasty colds so he spent most of the day cuddling with me (loved it!).

My poor baby had such a sore butt that he literally did not sit down all day. He either stood, leaned against me, or laid on his tummy all day. Poor kid. I felt so bad for him. One of the worst things about being a mommy (IMHO) is not being able to fix whatever's wrong, and make your baby feel better. Seeing him cry in pain just from changing a diaper is enough to make me cry!

On a good note, though, Kaleb's verbal skills are improving by leaps and bounds almost daily. He understands so much, but I was starting to worry about how little he was verbalizing. I shouldn't've worried, apparently. He's spouting off new words (unfortunately one of them today was 'ow') and starting to put two words together ('mama ball?' usually means he threw his ball down the stairs and wants me to go get it, and 'uh-oh nooo' usually means I need to go check out the damage).

Today he was obsessed with the refrigerator. "Ball?" he'd ask. I can assure you there was not a ball in there. There was, however, a round red tomato. There's no convincing him, however. Later today there was a bowl full of white balls in there (or as we adults call them, hardboiled eggs), and that's what he kept asking for.

"Ball?"

"Honey, that's not a ball, it's an egg...would you like an egg?"

"Ball?"

"Sweetie, it's not a...*sigh* do you want a ball?"

"Haaa" (with a big smile and the sign for please--means yes)

At least he's got the concept down, right?

Don't cry over spilled tater tots

2009-12-14T12:15:00.003-06:00

In my last post, I was writing about how uncertain I am about how to be the best parent to Kaleb. I want to parent him lovingly and effectively, without overindulging or smothering.

This idea has been nagging me for a while, and it only grows as Kaleb does. Now that he's more mobile, and more aware of cause and effect, and is pushing limits (because that's what he's supposed to do at this age), I worry that I'm going to default to the way I was raised. With the yelling, and the controlling, and the making big deals out of little things. I believe that being conscious of that fear is an important step, but I feel the need to be more proactive with it. Never more so than after dinner Saturday night.
I spent most of the day working on a final paper due for school. I went upstairs to make dinner, and while I was working on the sloppy joes Martin got tater tots out of the freezer and put them on a cookie sheet on the counter. He set the oven to preheat and went back into the living room. During this time Kaleb was wandering around with his latest favorite toy. The broom.

Yes, the broom.

He's so cute walking around sweeping everything he can. He holds the very end of the broom handle and pushes it around in front of him. Adorable.

So I got the sloppy joes going, the oven was preheating, the boys were all in the living room, and I had to run back downstairs to the family room to check an email I knew had come in. Suddenly I heard what sounded like a bunch of marbles hit the floor. I knew right away what it was, but not what caused it (it's sometimes hard to tell around here, what with a sometimes klutzy teenager, a toddler, six cats, and two dogs).

I ran upstairs and got to the kitchen the same time Martin finally walked over from the living room. On my way up the stairs I heard Kaleb saying "Ooooh" which is his "uh-oh" that usually means he did something. When I walked into the kitchen I see the broom on the floor...along with a cookie sheet and frozen tater tots. My poor baby knew that what had happened wasn't a good thing, and I could tell he was upset, but I was also sure he didn't intend to knock the tray on the floor.

Martin right away got upset and I could tell he was going to start yelling. Over tater tots. Tater tots! The whole 5lb bag cost $5, and we were down to the last 2 servings so it's not like Kaleb knocked a ming vase off the counter. It was a cookie sheet of tater tots. Add to that the fact that I'm sure it was an accident, and I don't see the good that could come from making a 16 month old feel terrible about accidentally knocking something off the counter.

Normally I would just let Martin yell and get upset and just stay out of the way until he decided to calm down and act rationally. But when I walked in and saw the look in our son's eyes it broke my heart. What I saw in those little brown eyes was that he knew he knocked the cookie sheet down, he knew that it wasn't a good thing that had happened, and he already felt badly. He saw Martin getting worked up and was getting ready to start crying. I stepped in, told him it was ok, I knew it was an accident, that we'd clean it up and everything would be ok. He helped me clean up the mess, and everything was fine. It got me thinking though...

What about down the road when it's not a situation as simple as tater tots accidentally knocked off the counter? How will I handle it when he starts acting purposefully defiant (which he will--he got a double dose of stubborn, like my best friend likes to say), or when he starts pushing limits even more? How do I parent him without controlling him, without screwing him up, and without ever making him feel like he's worthless for making the mistakes that he will make--that we all do? How do I get Martin on board so Kaleb has consistency?

The short answer is: I don't know.

But I'm determined, and on a mission to figure it out. I have a few ideas, and a few resources that were suggested, so I'm going to check them out. You can be sure you'll hear about my (our) progress :)

For now, though, I'm off. I'm ready to be finished with school for a while (a whole month!!), and to have time to just breathe again.

Cute pictures coming soon :D

Mad skills

2009-12-13T16:00:00.001-06:00

Parenting skills, that is.

There have been many times since learning that I was pregnant with Kaleb (and before that, even) that I wondered if I would be a good mother. I mean I love kids, and obviously love my son, and know that I wouldn't do anything to hurt him intentionally (or try to screw him up). But I feel like at some point most parents seem to default, in some way, back the the parenting style they were raised with.

That idea doesn't sit well with me. I was raised by an abusive mother. When my brother and I were little it was more physical abuse, and as we got older (after she was forced to leave our home under the threat of losing custody) it became more verbal and emotional. I grew up with lots of yelling--that seemed to be the norm in my house. Yelling and swearing.

Big things, little things, everything that my mom saw as wrong or irritating or whatever was met with yelling and put-downs and all the rest. Thankfully my mom was able to change (after some strong boundary setting on my part and hard work on hers) and we now have a good relationship. I've forgiven her and we've moved on. I completely trust when she and my dad take Kaleb for the weekend that he is in nothing but good, loving hands. I only bring this up to provide a little background.

So that's where I'm coming from. Martin comes from a home that was led by a single mom who worked 2-3 jobs at a time to support the family. Martin was largely raised by his two older siblings (six and seven years older than he), and then was pretty much on his own from junior high on. He didn't have a mother there to parent him all the time, and definitely made a lot of bad choices he might otherwise not have made.

I don't say this to put Martin's mom down--she did the best she could with what she had, and I admire how hard of a worker she is. She has said many times that she regrets many of the parenting decisions that she made at the time. But we all know you can't go back, so there is no choice but to move forward. I feel like Martin is a good father, but there are areas where I really don't agree with how he handles things.

I somehow turned out ok, but I wonder how to be a good parent to Kaleb and teach him all the things I somehow learned in spite of the control tactics, yelling, screaming, etc. I want him to grow up knowing beyond a doubt that he is loved no matter what he does, but I also want him to grow up to be a strong, trustworthy, righteous man.

This is getting to be a little long, so I think I will leave the how I will go about doing that for another post. Stay tuned...

Me? Procrastinate? Never.

2009-12-13T02:56:00.000-06:00

Because we all know I don't procrastinate... Never!

So it's the middle of the night, and I should be studying. Well, I really should be sleeping, but I procrastinated writing my final paper for Ethics, and put off studying much for my theory final and Ethics final that are both on Monday. So I've been sitting on the couch for most of the day, laptop in lap, writing my ~~stupid~~ Ethics paper.

And yes, it is as exciting as it sounds...

What would one write if they were to write an Ethics paper, you ask? Ok, so you didn't ask, but I'll tell you anyway. Our instructor gave us a few scenarios to choose from, or we could pick our own ethical dilemma (but really, who has the brain power for that so near the end of the semester? I mean, really), then we have to argue for whatever side we choose to take on that dilemma, and support it with at least two of the theories we studied this semester.

Ok. I should not be writing anything. Did you read that last ~~run on~~ sentence? I should not be left unsupervised right now...

So the scenario I chose was that I have to pick between saving the life of one child or 100 adults. I cannot choose both. Whichever I don't choose will die. I know a few people picked that same topic, and most picked that they would choose to save the 100 adults. This goes back to a principle proposed by John Stuart Mill among others, of utilitarianism. Basically, the more ethical choice is the one that brings about the greatest good to the greatest number of people.

Based on that, it would seem logical to save the 100. After all, 100 is more than one, thereby fulfilling the basic premise of the theory, right?

Well, yeah, probably. But I chose to go one step further and say that I would not choose to save the 100 adults. I also would not choose the one child. Strictly using the view supported by Mill it would seem that saving the 100 adults would bring the greatest good to the greatest number of people. After all, 100 people would get to keep their lives.

But what if those 100 adults were people who were chosen specifically for the fact that they have no living relatives, and no other social relationships? And what if the one child had a large extended family (think Duggar sized), with strong social ties. Letting the 100 adults perish would affect 100 people. Choosing to let the child die could affect many more than that.

And now I have officially blogged more about my paper than I've actually written...

On that note, I leave to finish my outline that's also due (because apparently this is elementary school english class, not a college level Ethics class), and to throw some more of my paper together.

Sorry this wasn't the most interesting post. I will be returning to the regularly scheduled ~~broadcast~~ posting (and munchkin cuteness of course) shortly.

P.S. Speaking of the Duggars, if you haven't heard, Michelle Duggar gave birth to her 19th child this week. Baby Josie was born prematurely, and is currently in the NICU. No matter what your thoughts on the size of their family, please take a moment to say a prayer (or send positive thoughts, or do whatever you do) for the Duggar family and their new baby girl.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-12-09T00:05:00.000-06:00

Kaleb and his daddy

2009-12-06T22:15:00.000-06:00

Kaleb loves his daddy. I love to see the two of them together (although i have to frequently remind Martin that Kaleb will do things just to be like daddy). It's hard to get pictures of them together, though, because Martin usually hides when I bring the camera out.

Kaleb has started giving a big cheesy grin when I aim the camera (or my phone) at him. Is that a sign I've been taking too many pictures?

Nah.

Anyway, the other day I was able to get a couple pictures of Kaleb playing with Martin.

Here Kaleb is attempting to trade his nuk for a sip of daddy's strawberry shake:

Score!!

The Steamroll

2009-12-03T20:30:00.001-06:00

I wanted to put some pictures up, but sadly realized that the last time I took pictures of the munchkin was on Halloween. I'll have to get on that.

When Kaleb was younger, he started doing this thing where he would give you a hug, then a kiss, then he would put his shoulder into you and roll over you. We started calling it the steamroll. He doesn't do it as much anymore, unless we ask him too. Sad, but I guess it would be awkward if he greeted his first school friends with a steamroll. Although he did try to steamroll a kid at the library about a month ago. I was torn between laughing because it was cute and funny, and telling him to stop because we shouldn't steamroll people we don't know. I opted for the latter, but it would have been funny :)

So I present to you the steamroll:

That's my munchkin :)

Updates

2009-12-03T15:45:00.002-06:00

I don't really have much to write about today. My brain is mush after two days of OB clinicals. I did get to be in the OR during a C-section, though, so that was pretty dang cool. And I got to sit and cuddle a one day old baby while mom took a shower (the hospital we were at doesn't have a healthy newborn nursery). That was awesome. And did nothing to cool my baby fever...

Since I don't have much of substance to write about, I thought I'd just do a jumble of cute (I think) Kaleb updates.

We've been working forever with him on body parts. Usually, though, if I ask him to point to something he'll just giggle at me. The other day though, Martin asked him to point to his nose, and he did. So we decided to see how much he had really picked up. So far he knows nose, ears, eyes, mouth, teeth, tongue, feet, fingers, and head. He's so proud of himself too, it's adorable.

Kaleb's new favorite thing is throwing his diaper in the garbage after he gets changed. The first time we asked him to do it (jokingly) he picked it up, toddled over to the trash, tossed it in, and looked to see our reactions. We clapped and told him how well he did, so now he'll throw it away, then start clapping for himself. Unfortunately we've had to start doing frequent trash can checks for things that shouldn't be in there...

My parents took Kaleb from Thanksgiving day until Sunday. He was nearly inconsolable when they left to go home after dropping him off. I love that he loves his namma and papa so much.

There are more updates, but I think I'll add them to another post at a later date. It's almost time for the munchkin to wake up from his nap.

Over the river and through the woods....

2009-11-29T18:15:00.003-06:00

...to Grandmother's house we go.

A tea party with Lilly:

Getting ready for bed:

Favorite bedtime story:

His stubborn face lol:

Snack time:

Watching Papa set up Thomas to ride on. Not a fan, apparently. They got him on for one time around the track and he was done:

Just love his face in this one. And I love that his favorite toys are still books:

Thanks Giving

2009-11-29T16:15:00.000-06:00

I have so many things to give thanks for this year. My family and I are (relatively) healthy, I'm in school and able to work towards a career I'm loving more every day, I'm close with my family and have plenty of friends to rely on in good and bad times. My life is no where near perfect, or even where I would like it to be right now, but I'm working on it. I know that life is a journey, not a destination, and I've had many detours so far. It's ok, though, it makes me who I am.

We had a good Thanksgiving this year, for the most part. We ended up with entirely too much food, but the leftovers are being put to good use. We had a big turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and homemade gravy, french onion and green bean casserole, cheesy potato bake, Hawaiian rolls, sweet potatoes with marshmallows, and homemade cranberry sauce. It was a busy day to say the least. I had my mom there to help me juggle everything, so it all went pretty smoothly.

I feel like I can't focus tonight... My parents took Kaleb back with them on Thursday night. My mom was going to meet me tomorrow night to hand him back off, but they decided to bring him back today instead. My dad bought a new truck (well to him--I hardly call 237,000 miles new) on Saturday and they have to get some paperwork done on that tomorrow, so they brought him today.

Poor little munchkin bawled his eyes out when they left. He was brave and waved bye-bye when they were getting ready to leave, but once they walked out the door and left for real he lost it. I felt bad, but I love that he loves his Namma and Papa so much.

I always miss my boy when he's gone, but I know he has a good time, and this visit my parents had my niece Lilly too, and those two are the best little friends it's adorable. It was kind of nice to have a few munchkin free days too. I got up early (1:30 early) to help Martin with the paper routes, then we called and woke his mom up. He and I ran to Old Navy ($5 fleeces!!!) then back to pick his mom up, then to Kohl's. After Kohl's we decided we were in the shopping mood and checked out Wal-Mart, Best Buy and Target. While I can't say we contributed much to the economy, it was fun to get out and do something spontaneous for a change :)

Later in the afternoon we took Martin's mom to see a movie. She chose The Blind Side, and if you haven't seen it, I think you should. It was a long day, and I was in bed and snoring (according to Martin, but I think he exaggerates) by 9:30 that night. A full night of sleep felt fantastic! Saturday we decided to make the trek out to IKEA and brought Martin's mom along again since she'd never been. She claims she's sick of us now.

I don't have much else to write for now--I've been fighting a headache all day and I'm afraid it's going into migraine mode. It's really hard to concentrate and focus, which is unfortunate since I still have a ton of homework to do tonight. Martin's been entertaining the munchkin and now it's dinner time, so off I go.

Baby Fever

2009-11-24T21:46:00.000-06:00

Working L&D (labor and delivery) and post partum, even just one day, has given me a severe case of baby fever.

That is all.

P.S. I have plans to catch up (writing, that is) later this week.

Never trust sparkly candy

2009-11-23T23:18:00.000-06:00

That's about it. That's all I have today. The Twilight Sweetarts? Not so good. New Moon? Much better than the candy, not as good as the book. Moving on...

Had a test today, didn't do so well. Probably would've done much better if I'd studied just a little bit more. Oh well.

Been getting ready for OB clinicals in the morning. I'm not looking forward to it. From what I've heard it's a lot of shadowing and standing around and not much else. And that's about that.

Kaleb? Cute as ever! He's been cracking us up all day and I love that side of him.

Martin? I'd like to kick in the...

Let's just say I'm irritated. Ok, that's putting it mildly, but there really just aren't words right now. I found something today that threw my whole day into chaos in my brain, and I just don't have the energy to deal with it right now. Not trying to be elusive, but I'm just exhausted and don't have the emotional or logical brain power to dedicate to him and his BS right now.

And that's my day. I'm crabby, angry, disappointed and exhausted. And if he gets one more text I swear to God in heaven I'm going to grab his phone and chuck it across the room...

Sorry I don't have more cheerful things to write about right now, but I'll be working on catching up this week, and maybe I can get Kaleb dressed up like a turkey.

Ok, probably not, but the thought brings a smile to my face :)

A surprise ruined?

2009-11-21T01:40:00.000-06:00

I think I've mentioned in a previous post that when I was pregnant with Kaleb I didn't want to find out whether we were having a boy or a girl. I really wanted it to be a surprise, because I feel like there are so few truly good surprises left in our world. Martin felt the complete opposite way, however, and really wanted to know what we were expecting. I was scheduled for a scan and it ended up being right around the 16 week mark, so we were told we might be able to see if the baby was a boy or a girl.

Being the reasonable and rational person that I am (even though he so didn't deserve it at the time, but that's a whole other post I'm not sure I'm brave enough to write), I agreed that he could learn the sex of the baby as long as he swore on everything holy that he wouldn't ruin the surprise for me. So while we were in the ultrasound room I explained the situation to the US tech, and she admitted she hadn't really dealt with a situation like that--it's usually one or the other, with both parents in agreement.

The tech wasn't sure how to handle it without violating HIPPA, even though I was perfectly fine with it. As the scan progressed, I started wavering, thinking maybe I did want to know right then instead of waiting, and that would make the situation easier too, since the tech wouldn't have to figure out how to break the law without actually having to do so.

Thankfully, Martin convinced the tech that I didn't really want to know, that it was probably my people pleasing side coming out, and I would be remorseful later if I gave into my current curiosity. He was right. There I said it, Martin was right, but he'll never know because he doesn't know this blog exists ;) Anyway. We finally determined the best way to go about the process would be for the tech to write her educated guess (they can never be 100% sure) on a piece of paper, seal it in an envelope, and give it to me to do with as I pleased. She gave me the envelope and Martin grabbed it from me to take with him to work so I wouldn't be tempted to peek.

Martin did amazingly well at keeping the secret from me (which as things turned out shouldn't've been such a big surprise given all the other secrets he was keeping at the time...which is also part of the post I'm not brave enough to write...), and I never had a clue what we were having.

I was a high risk pregnancy because of some past history of DVTs. Pregnancy is a high risk time for any woman to develop a DVT, and my past medical history increased that risk to a dangerous level. So since I was considered high risk I was referred to a perinatologist early in my pregnancy at a high risk clinic, and had pretty frequent appointments. At every appointment the first thing the nurse would do was perform an ultrasound to make sure everything was where it should be. I'm sure you can see where this is going...

So fast forward from that 16 week ultrasound to about seven months into my pregnancy. I was in for one of my normal biweekly appointments, hopped up on the table, let the nurse squeeze the icky gel on my tummy, all the while chatting away with her like I usually did with the nurses there. She started the scan, showed me where my cervix was and how it looked, showed me baby's heartbeat, that he was in the head down position, moved over a bit and said "and there's his little boy parts," and went about her merry way.

I didn't even know what to say. I honestly went through the rest of that appointment in a fog. I didn't know whether to be upset or happy or just plain pissed off. I never mentioned to anyone there what had happened (until a few weeks later) because I didn't want the nurse to feel bad about giving anything away.

I didn't want her to feel bad. See how I am?

When I got out of the office I sent Martin a text telling him what happened. He didn't believe me at first, and thought I was just trying to get out of him what we were having. I then reminded him that I'm the patient, and if I wanted to know all I had to do was ask at any of my appointments. Then he believed me and felt horrible for me because I was really into the idea of our baby being a surprise and for Martin to be the one to tell me in the delivery room.

But I was thrilled we were having a boy, because I've always wanted to be mommy to a little boy, and Kaleb is my dream come true :)

In the weeks following that, we still kept a secret about what we were having from most people. I told my best friend Laura, my mom wanted to know (but my dad didn't which made things really interesting around there for a while--my mom still bought girl clothes to throw my dad off if he looked in bags, we'd refer to the baby alternately as he or she, it got to be kind of a running joke), and Alyssa wanted to know but Anthony didn't, which also made things interesting around our house, and Martin told his mom.

At first I was pretty upset the surprise had been ruined, but now I feel like it just adds to the story and I have one more thing to tell Kaleb when he gets older about his birth story.

Love that boy :)

Procrastination pays off

2009-11-19T13:51:00.000-06:00

I've always loved psychology. I think it's so very interesting how the human mind works, and the various factors that play into personality and behavior and all that fun stuff. One thing that has always stuck in my head for one reason or another is the conditioning and training methods. Things like positive reinforcement vs. punishment and those kinds of things.

I've always wondered if part of the reason I procrastinate so much is that I tend to work better under pressure. Or I guess it could be because even when I procrastinate, and put even large projects off (big huge papers, perhaps) I still tend to do well enough that I don't see the point in starting earlier or putting a ton more effort in the next time around.

Take for instance, the actual big huge paper I turned in at the end of last month. Turned out to be about 30 some pages, and I ended up staying up all night the night before it was due to finish it. The end result? An A. But not just any A.

A 100% A.

I'm so dang happy, but I also recognize that the flip side is that I just received a reward (a 100%) for putting that paper off the way I did. As has been happening most of my life.

Not really sure that there's a moral to this story, and I apologize for how disjointed my thoughts may seem today. I'm so very tired, this cold has been making sleep difficult to come by, and I think my thyroid levels might be a little off. So I guess I'll leave you with this:

New Moon opens tonight, a couple girlfriends and I have tickets to the midnight showing, and I'm as giddy as a little school girl to go see it. And to eat the Sweetarts I bought that are Twilight themed.

They even sparkle :)

The one in which I procrastinate

2009-11-18T01:51:00.002-06:00

Because procrastination is something I never do. If by never I mean it's one of my favorite endeavors...

Anyway. MckMama posted a photoshop tutorial, so naturally, since I'm supposed to be catching up on some online ethics discussions, I thought I'd give it a try and see what happens. Here's a little monkey montage:

Hmmmmm. What do you think? I ran into a couple snags working in photoshop. I picked three pictures I didn't think needed editing before I threw them together, but when I opened the first picture in the editor it showed the dimensions as 55 inches by 30 some inches. Huh? Then after I resized the canvas it wouldn't let me move the little side pictures, it kept popping up an error message saying they couldn't be moved because the result would be too big. I was able to fix that by decreasing the size of my canvas. I don't really understand how I did what I did, but it seemed to work out reasonably well, so we'll leave it at that :)

Ok, that's enough procrastinating for me for now. It's late and I have literally hundreds of discussion postings to sift through as well as post my own. So now I move on to answering how Pragmatism would respond to the idea of universal healthcare, as well as my take on Islamic and Hindu ethics. Blech.

Edited: Ok, so when I view my post in a new window, you know in the actual way a person would see it if they looked at my blog (that's a pretty big if too), the picture appears as if it has a little frame around it. Is that normal? How can I make it look seamless? All right, now I'll stop procratinating :)

Editing the edit: So it appears that all my pictures show up with that little framey thing around it. Still wondering if there's a way to make that disappear. And apparently still procrastinating...and making up words (framey Becky? really?).

I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine...

2009-11-17T08:45:00.001-06:00

...and he shall be my Squishy.

I was on the BlogFrog a while back, and there was a thread asking for favorite boy names for someone who was expecting but having trouble finding names she liked. A boy name was something we picked out easily (after a few back and forths and vetoes...), but if we'd had a girl there might've been trouble. Even though the decision was easy, there was a little trickery involved in getting Martin to agree.

It's not as bad as it might sound, honestly. I would not want to deceive someone about something as important as our child's name. But there's still a story here.

A few years ago (it was fall of 2006, I believe), Martin and I went to see the movie The Covenant. It was a so-so movie, but one of the lead characters was named Caleb. I'd heard the name before and always liked it, and during the movie Martin leaned over to me and said "I like Caleb for a boy's name" (this was before we had decided to try for a baby). I said I liked it too, and that was the last we talked about it. Until I got pregnant.

Early on in the pregnancy when we were just kind of throwing name ideas around I mentioned Caleb and Martin vetoed it. I was a little disappointed because I still really liked that name. I let it go for the time being, and we moved on through hundreds (I'm sure!) of names. On a side note, I didn't want to find out the sex of the baby, but Martin did. The ultrasound tech wrote her finding on a sheet of paper and sealed it in an envelope. Martin took it with him to work, looked at it, and never told a soul what he had read on the paper.

But I digress....

SO. One night later on in the pregnancy I had gotten home from a shift at the nursing home, and was getting ready for a shift at the cleaning job I had with the Dept. of Transportation (MnDOT). I saw on TV that the movie The Covenant was on later that afternoon on one of the movie channels. I "casually" mentioned this to Martin and reminded him how much we liked that movie when we had seen it in the theater (ok, so I stretched the truth a bit...). A couple hours later I get a text while at work.

Martin: How about Caleb??
Me: I like that name!!

I called Martin and said something to the effect that Caleb is a name that keeps coming up so why don't we just stick with that since it's the only one we really agreed on. Martin agreed, and so it was to be. We shall call him Kaleb....

Oh. And the spelling? We really weren't trying for anything trendy, I like the name spelled with a "C" just fine. But since I had semi-tricked Martin into the name I wanted, I let him pick the middle name (while maintaining veto rights of course). Martin really liked the name Christian for a middle name, and we didn't want his initials to be C.C., so he became Kaleb Christian.

And yes, I have since confessed to Martin how Kaleb really came about as the top choice for our boy's name. He thought it a little sneaky, but agreed that our boy's name suits him well and he'd have it no other way.

House Full of Sickies

2009-11-15T23:51:00.001-06:00

It's been a rough couple of weeks around here. Kaleb's finally feeling better (thanks in large part to the Tamiflu!), but last Saturday Martin got hit by the same bug. It seems most likely that both of them had H1N1. They both had flu-like symptoms and the seasonal flu hasn't hit yet. I didn't get sick like them, and I received my H1N1 vaccine at the end of October.

Even though I didn't get the same thing that was floating around our house, I did manage to still pick up a virus somewhere. I woke up Thursday feeling kinda cruddy like I was getting a cold. Friday morning my throat hurt (not raw/sore, but achey like it was swollen inside), and the glands in my neck were so swollen you couldn't see that I had a jaw. It was a hot look, let me tell you.... I was worried I might have strep throat, so I called around and found a doctor who charges on a fee-for-service basis. He doesn't work with insurance at all. And since we don't have insurance anyway, it seemed like we had very few options: that or a minute clinic, and the independent guy's rates were cheaper.

Since Martin was still feeling really under the weather and still had a bad cough, we made an appointment for him too. Three hours, two office visits, a (negative) rapid strep test, and $81 later we were heading to Target to get Martin's antibiotic prescription for the bronchitis he's developed. It was a fun day let me tell ya. And now my cold has settled in my head and I'm hoping I don't develop a sinus infection :(

With both Martin and I feeling so under the weather, and the munchkin finally feeling better, it was just too much. We couldn't keep up with him. Thankfully my parents agreed to take Kaleb for the weekend so we could rest. Lifesavers the two of them!! So Friday evening we loaded up the munchkin and drove little over an hour to meet my mom halfway, then drove the hour back and crashed in bed for most of the rest of the weekend.

So that's been our life the past week or so. Wish I had something interesting to write about, but I've got nothing. I'll try to come up with more interesting posts in the near future :)

For now, I'm off to bed to hopefully get a decent night's sleep to start another busy week off on the right foot.

Drunken (off of sugar) Monkey

2009-11-07T01:30:00.000-06:00

'Nuff said.

My Little Monkey

2009-11-06T21:25:00.000-06:00

I've been wanting to write for a while, just haven't had the time (seems to be a recurring theme around here).

So I finished my big huge paper, and the smaller one that was due the next night. I did well on my most recent test and have been having not a horrible time with school. Still so busy it makes me want to scream sometimes, but what can ya do?

The munchkin got sick again. Not quite sure what's going on with him. He had a little bit of a cough Wednesday night. Then yesterday morning I was just about ready to walk out the door to school when Martin casually mentioned that Kaleb felt really hot. Took his temp and it was 102.3 axiallary, which means about a 104 if I had taken it rectally. Not good. And boy, was he miserable! Gave him some Tylenol and lots of cuddles. Alternated Tylenol and Motrin for the day and got a new thermometer. He still never got lower than 102 or so. The cough has gotten worse, but his fever is gone. If it wasn't down significantly this morning I was going to call the Dr. Now tonight his fever is pretty much gone, but that horrible cough isn't. It was starting to sound a little wheezy, kind of like bronchitis was setting in so we'll definitely be keeping a close eye on that.

Poor baby.

In other news, Halloween this year was a little disappointing. We never got around to buying pumpkins to carve, we didn't get a single trick-or-treater, and we didn't get to take the munchkin out. We had the day all planned out: Martin's mom was going to take the munchkin for the day so I could study for Monday's test, we were going to pick him up around 4-ish and take him around Martin's mom's building and to a couple neighbor's houses for some treats, then Martin was going to go to work. Late Friday night Martin's older daughter called to say she and 6 or 7 of her friends would be coming by Saturday afternoon from out of town for dinner. So other plans got pushed to the side and it was a little disappointing. It wouldn't have been bad at all on any other day, but it was irritating to me that the munchkin didn't even get a Halloween because of it. It's doubly irritating when said daughter has decided at some point in the last year that I'm not worth the time in her world to acknowledge, let alone be less than rude to. Apparently I'm not good enough for her and her (recently found) high and mighty ways. Ok, rant over.

So even though the munchkin didn't get to go out on Halloween, I decided that his costume for the night should be recorded for posterity's sake :) So without further delay, here's my little monkey man:

Chilling with mommy at the end of the day

Enjoying his first candy. Ever. Kid can now spot a sucker from 30 yards out:

That's about all, I have a few other pictures, and one I must share, but it deserves its own post :)

Not Me! Monday

2009-10-26T11:36:00.002-05:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

First off I should probably start by saying this is not going to be an unusually short post since I most certainly didn't procrastinate my days away last week instead of working on my Big Huge Paper that wasn't due this morning at 9 o'clock. Which also means that there was no way on the face of God's ~~white~~ ~~brown~~ green earth that I stayed up all night long to finish it. All. Night. Long. Nope! Not me! I finished it last week like a good little student. I did that, which means that I haven't been up for......oh, going on 28 hours now.

28 hours.

I also didn't fall asleep sitting straight up during lecture this morning.

As for my other shining moments this past week? Let's see. I didn't add to my procrastination on Saturday by taking advantage of the offer of some munchkin watching to go to a movie with Martin. Again, I wouldn't do that, I had a 20 (make that 25) page paper due this morning. It would be crazy to have fun on the weekend. And then go get coffee. Moosed cuz I was just that wide awake. And then proceed to take a two hour nap upon arriving home.

I also did not have two more cups of coffee from the reindeer place yesterday because they goofed on the first one, made me the second, and gave me both. Moosed. I didn't drink them both (larges) in a matter of 6 hours or so. That would be crazy and probably get me singing strange songs, and giggling at strange words (like delerious. seriously. it's funny--say it. go ahead, you know you want to...deleeeeerious. No I am NOT!).

Oh, and before the coffee incident, we didn't go to Perkins for brunch because we were both just lazy and wanting professionally made breakfast food. While waiting for said food, we most certainly did not open a sugar packet and ~~teach~~ ~~encourage~~ let the munchkin dip his finger into the packet and lick the sugary stickiness off that adorably chubby little finger. I mean ugly skinny finger? I mean.....

Alrighty, that must mean it's not time for me to pack it up and head on home so I can stay awake for the rest of the day doing prep work for sim lab tomorrow.

Deleeeeeerious...

Domestic Goddess...

2009-10-24T01:45:00.000-05:00

...I am not!! Not even close. Sure, I can keep up with the laundry (usually), and I spend time when I can planning meals, ~~experimenting~~ cooking, and cleaning (ok, not as much as I should). But sometimes I wish I had the time to really throw myself into the whole SAHM thing. Maybe it's a stereotype that I shouldn't box myself into, but I would love to spend my days playing with and teaching the munchkin, keeping up on domestic chores, running errands, sewing (I own a sewing machine that has never been used!) and making yummy, delicious meals and treats. I guess if all I did (all I did, as if everything that a SAHM does is so easy and irrelevant--definitely not how I meant it) was stay home with Kaleb I could more easily throw myself into the Donna Reed-ish role I have in my head.

But I'm not a run of the mill SAHM. I'm also a full time student. I started nursing school when my son was six weeks old. I was still exhausted with a baby that was waking up to eat every four hours. He hadn't yet gotten to the point of having long stretches of alert time yet. Everyone in my class thought I was crazy (I probably was a little bit, between sleep deprivation, trying to find time and places to pump at school, and post-partum depression) but I was determined to make it work.

I honestly don't know how I made it through that first semester. With the help of God and a wonderful support system I made it on to the second semester. Second semester pretty much flew by, and with the exception of all night clinical prep sessions I made it through with my sanity mostly intact.

Then came summer. Oh wonderful summer, how I miss thee! I had such big plans for the munchkin and I. Some expectations were met, others not so much, but I'd go back in a heartbeat. We joined a fabulous morning program at a local water park, made trips to Lifetime for water aerobics (well, I did, the munchkin played in the child care center), splashed in the kiddie pool, went for walks and took trips to the park. But I still felt exhausted from the stress of school and never really found a good balancing act between house work and play time with Kaleb. I felt like I had missed out on so much during school that I just wanted to focus on soaking as much munchkin time up as possible.

Before I knew it school was starting again, and suddenly I feel like I'm right back to that place I was in during first semester. In some ways it's easier with Kaleb being a year older, other ways it's so much harder. Once I walk in the door from school it's full-on mommy mode until bedtime. Then I usually end up working on school stuff until at least 1 o'clock in the morning, don't get enough sleep and end up exhausted in the morning. I shouldn't complain because I'm lucky to be in this program (there were 700+ applicants for 100 spots), and I'm doing what's best for my family. But I still feel a little sad.

Back when I started this blog (just a few months ago) Martin had just lost his job. We were scared and the future was uncertain. However, things couldn't have worked more in our favor, and I truly believe God's hand was in the whole situation. Having Martin home has been the best thing for our family. Kaleb gets to spend one on one time with his daddy, and they've never been closer. Martin is so much more relaxed than when he was in the bad situation at work, and both of us get to be with our son most of the day, every day. I should be so thankful for that.

I should be more thankful. But I'm a little ashamed to admit that I'm jealous. Jealous and sad. I want to be the one spending my whole day with Kaleb. I feel horrible even admitting that, because I'm sure there are families who would love to be able to have one parent home all day long, but can't. It shouldn't, but it hurts a little when Kaleb wants daddy, not mommy, to bring him into his room for a nap. Or when I do something the "wrong" way because Kaleb and daddy do it a different way that I'm not familiar with because I'm not home.

I hate that I sound so selfish. I need to snap out of it and just be thankful that I've been able to spend as much time with him as I have--much more than if I had to work full time. I guess I just needed to vent a little.

So as much as I would love to be able to claim domestic goddess status, part of me doesn't care that my house isn't always ~~presentable~~ spotless, my dinners aren't always slaved over (thank you McDonald's), our laundry is frequently in some stage of unwashed/washed but not dried/dried but not folded/folded but not put away, and my sewing machine has never been used. Because when my son is older it will be the pictures and stories of him that I pass down that are important, not how wonderful of a housekeeper I was.

You know, stories like how he tried to give the water a hug at the zero depth pool this summer, how he tried to steamroll a little boy at the library, how he walks all the way across the living room with his mouth wide open to give daddy a kiss before nap time, and how he tracked down his own fork so he could help himself to some of daddy's spaghetti at lunch today.

And when Kaleb is grown with a family of his own, I will remember how thankful I was to be around during the day for moments like these:

Woo Hooooo!!!

2009-10-22T14:16:00.003-05:00

I've been trying to behave the last couple days to really put a dent in my BHP (big huge paper) that's due on Monday (5 pages down, 10 to go...). I have a post saved that I've been trying to find time to finish and publish, but that will have to wait another day or so.

So why the excitement? It certainly isn't over the paper I'm currently slaving over. Well not currently as in this moment, since I'm obviously typing this instead of the BHP, but I am in the school library taking a break from said BHP. The "woo hoo" is because something that almost never happens to me has, in fact, happened. I won!! I actually won something! I contributed to MckMama's Not Me! Monday post this week, and was amazingly rewarded with the adorable (adorable!!) little purse in this post. I also won a $100 gift certificate from PURSEnally Yours to choose a purse of my own design.

And let me tell you, if there's anyone that could use a purse, it's me. I have a hard enough time keeping track of myself and the munchkin, let alone all our other stuff (my school bags, his diaper bag, my gym bag, etc). With all I have to carry around, I end up juggling all the important stuff (license, check card, library card, school ID, cash, and so on) between bags and inevitably end up forgetting something somewhere. Like today for instance, when I ran back out to the car after class to grab my wallet so I could get some breakfast/lunch (brunch? on a Thursday??) before starting on my BHP. Wallet? It was in the car. Check card? Nowhere to be found. Cash? In my backpack...except I used my laptop bag today for school. Grrrrrr.

So a purse is just what I need to keep all the stuff in one place. So why haven't I just broken down and bought a purse you ask? Well the short answer is I hate (loathe!) spending money on myself. Can't do it! Don't really like it when other people do it either. So I'm purse-less.

Now the tough part. I've been looking at the PURSEnally Yours website trying to decide (another thing I'm not the greatest at--decisions) what to get. Should I get a nice big messenger bag? Or a big Olivia purse? Or go with a cute small Olivia purse, then get a make-up bag and wallet to match? Or not match...the next part is figuring out what fabric to choose.

So many choices, so little time to procrastinate.

So if I have any readers out there (Hellooo? Anyone?) feel free to leave your input. What have you found works best for you? Big bag to just throw everything in? Or smaller bag so it doesn't get as cluttered, with a wallet or what-not to move from bag to bag? I'm not the most organized person to begin with, so keep that in mind.

Or should I just hire a personal assistant to keep track of and carry all my stuff around for me? Ha! Maybe I could train a monkey to do that. Now that would be fun :)

Not Me! Monday

2009-10-19T22:28:00.002-05:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This week has been so very productive for me!

Since I'm in the middle of a semester, I definitely didn't spend my MEA week off doing absolutely nothing school related. That would be irresponsible and just not very smart. I used every spare moment I had to work on my BHP (big huge paper) that's due in less than a week. You know, the 20 page paper that I obviously have a solid start on, or I most certainly wouldn't be blogging, hoping to not win a gift certificate and purse from a MckGiveway...

Since I was so busy doing schoolwork this past week, I definitely didn't spend the bulk of my days on the floor playing with the munchkin (again, instead of doing much needed studying). Since he's been battling a cold and it's a struggle to get him to rest, I definitely didn't put a couple videos in the DVD player on successive days to try to get him to sit still for more than three minutes. I know that long stretches of TV aren't good for little ones, so there's no way I would encourage my son to watch Finding Nemo with me (or Monsters Vs. Aliens, or Elmo in Grouchland). Never.

The munchkin had a horrible night Saturday night, and was awake more times than I can count (including an hour and a half long stretch where I tried--unsuccessfully--to convince him that it was still night time). When I heard him waking up Sunday morning after finally getting a few solid hours of sleep, I rushed right upstairs to get him up for breakfast. I mean, come on, I would never leave him babbling and singing in his crib after he's very obviously awake just because I was ~~exhausted~~ still sleepy. I didn't leave him in his crib for an extra 45 minutes, at which time he didn't start getting fussy and start demanding to get out of bed. He didn't do that because I would never leave my son in bed just so I could get a little more rest.

I'm always such an organized person, and I SO have everything together. That's why I didn't have to spend 20 minutes (and two trips back home) trying to track down my Dakota County Library card so I could attempt to check out some museum passes. Which ended up not even being available, so it definitely was not a wasted trip. Bah. I also did not forget twice, today alone, to return two items to the library at school (or re-check them out). Like I said, I have it all together, know where all my belongings are (including my license...), and am so on top of deadlines.

Oh, and I did not drive around extensively this past week with my wallet in the glovebox sans driver's license. Nope, I would never do that. Remember? I know where all my belongings are at all times, and would never drive around without proof of a license. Not me!

Since I know where all my belongings are (because they're obviously all together in ~~a heap on my bedroom floor or nightstand or kitchen counter~~ my purse), I definitely couldn't use the purse MckMama has as a giveaway prize on her other blog. I mean I could. But not really, since it's a Not Me! Monday....except I really, really could :) Oh well, you know what I mean. And if you don't, go check out some of the other great Not Me! experiences shared by ~~one or two~~ hundreds of MckMama's other readers.

Oh, and on a final note, I would never publish a photo that Martin sent me during class today of our sick munchkin. Poor baby. This picture made me want to get up and leave in the middle of class:

Thousands of Words

2009-10-15T22:48:00.000-05:00

I'm drawing a blank on anything to write, so I thought I would post some pictures of the munchkin. That's all I've got right now....

So I thought I'd go with some of the daily events in the life of a munchkin. Start with checking out the neighborhood:

Spend a little quality time with the flock:

Chill out and watch a movie with mama and daddy:

Share a bedtime snack with daddy:

This one is just cute (I think):

That's all I have for now. I'm trying to stick to a more normal bedtime, and I have a feeling tomorrow will be a long day, so I'm going to turn in. Nighty night!

Not Me! Monday

2009-10-12T21:33:00.001-05:00

It's Monday again (for a few more hours anyway) and it's been a while since I've joined in on a Not Me! Monday as hosted by MckMama, so I thought I'd give it a go.

To start things off, I most certainly am NOT blogging instead of studying the cardiac content that will be on our next test in two weeks. I'm also definitely not using this blog (and MckMama's live chat) as a means for procrastinating on my 15-20 page paper that's also due in two weeks. That I have yet to start. NOT ME! That would be completely irresponsible.

Even though I awoke refreshed, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after my 4 or so hours of sleep last night, I most certainly did not roll out of bed at the last minute, throw on some clean clothes and run out the door to class just because the idea of sitting through a two hour lecture seemed easier than dealing with ~~the crabbiest baby this side of the Rockies~~ my teething munchkin. To top my morning off, I didn't toy with the idea of running back into the house and hiding under the covers when the garage door opened to a winter wonderland. IN OCTOBER!!!! I also definitely remembered to slap some deodorant on before I ran out the door....

Since I'm such an efficient multi-tasker these days, there's no way we ended up eating McDonald's three times (three!!) in the last week because I was too tired and busy with school to figure something out for lunch/dinner. Along with my multi-tasking skills, my time-management and prioritizing skills the past week have been top-notch. As proof, there is most definitely not a pile of laundry on the bedroom floor, three baskets full in the closet, and a pile the size of a small country in the laundry room. They will most definitely be washed, dried, folded, and put away this evening. Oh, and all the dishes from dinner tonight have already been washed too. There's no way that you'd find any dirty pots or pans in the oven because I just didn't feel like cleaning up tonight. Go ahead, look, see for yourself.....Who put those in there?!?! It certainly was NOT ME!! Darn cats....

And now, for the rest of my evening, I will definitely be studying hard. There's no way on earth that I would even consider editing some recent pictures when I have sooooo much studying to do...

Holy Crabbiness Batman!!

2009-10-12T02:11:00.000-05:00

Well, we were able to finally make it to church this morning. It's been a while since we've braved it. During the summer the child care area is not staffed as fully as during the winter, and we weren't able to get Kaleb in. If I go by myself I don't mind hanging with the munchkin in the lobby area (with a bunch of other little ones), but the chaos out there drives Martin nuts, so we really haven't been going much as a result. Everything worked out this morning, though, and we were able to get Kaleb into Hero's Gate (the children's ministry). He screamed like a banshee when I left him, but was fine when I picked him up.

We went for a little drive after church and tracked down the Extreme Home Makeover house they did on the West Side. It was just finished late this week, so the street was still pretty busy, but the house fit right into the neighborhood. Can't wait to see the episode when it airs. The Home Makeover team just finished a house in my old hometown this summer (it was featured on the season premiere), so it's kind of cool to see a finished house in person.

The extra driving around gave Kaleb just enough time to fall asleep for a quick cat nap (which, really, who named that? our cats sleep for days on end, but I digress...), but not long enough to not be crabby. We tried to lay him down for a nap after lunch, and he went down fine, but never fell asleep. He just laid in there talking to himself and "singing" along with his music box. Which led to an afternoon with the World's Crabbiest Baby. Ever. Ok, maybe not ever, I mean there are times he's been more crabby, but I can't recall them right now. He was just that crabby tonight.

How crabby was he??? Well, he was SO crabby that he would start giggling (at nothing)....WAIT a minute, you said he was crabby....Well, yes, inner monologue, he was crabby, and if you'll let me finish.....ok it must be really really late if I'm arguing with myself...in print. Anyway. He was so crabby that he would start giggling at something, or nothing, and a couple seconds later he'd be bawling. As in crying, as in well, I thought it was funny, but turns out it's pretty darn tragic, so I'm going to cry hysterically instead. And this was happening every 15 minutes or so. Sheesh!! We had planned to put him down early, but that didn't really work out. But at least he was in bed by his normal time (8) although he didn't get a bath or his teeth brushed. I know, I'll be expecting the mommy of the year award any day now. Did I mention we had McDonald's for dinner?? Tomorrow will have to be bath day instead (btw, am I the only one with a toddler who loves (LOVES!!) taking baths and brushing his teeth?)(and yes, I know I parenthesied inside a parentheses)(and i think I just made up a word). Anyway...

I was going to add some pictures to this post, but now it's time for ME to get to bed before I start giggling/crying hysterically about something...or nothing. I'll throw some pictures up tomorrow. Not as in I'm going to regurgitate pictures, more like I'm going to put some pictures up tomorrow. Or maybe not, since tomorrow's Monday, and I might just do a Not Me! Monday post a la MckMama. So we'll see. I'm unpredictable like that--it's just how I roll.

Holy cow am I tired!!

Oh all right, you twisted my arm, I'll throw in a picture. Here's the munchkin chilling on the couch watching a little Elmo's World. Again. I know, mommy of the year.

Doot da doo...

2009-10-06T23:33:00.003-05:00

I've been wanting to write for a while, I've just been having a hard time coming up with anything to write about. Now that I'm finally finished with med-surg clinicals, I feel like I've lost all motivation and focus. That feeling seems to be spilling over into all areas of my life right now.

So. Focus. Let's pick a topic for tonight's blog, shall we? Alrighty then. I started writing this post, oh about an hour ago. Then I got distracted looking at pictures I had uploaded of the munchkin enjoying his new shoes, caught up on some email and online homework, and watched the Wild come from three goals down to win their home opener in sudden death overtime. So much for focus.

The only thing I can think about right now is the walk I took tonight. I've been trying to get back into shape and lose some of the weight I gained when school started last year. Martin and I were going to get up this morning and go to Lifetime to work out, but that just didn't happen. He encouraged me to take some time this afternoon to go and he would get dinner ready, but I just didn't have the motivation or energy. I wanted to work out, I just didn't want to drive to the gym. So Martin suggested I just take a walk. Nothing spectacular, right? Except it's been raining and near 40 degrees all day today. I know this might not make me exactly normal, but I've always loved taking walks in the rain.

So off I went, iPod in pocket, to enjoy some exercise in the chilly drizzle. I don't know if it's an actual phenomenon, or just my imagination, but taking a walk in the rain always leaves me feeling better mentally. Maybe it's because I appreciate symbolism, but tonight's walk was expecially good. I truly felt some of my emotional gunk being washed away by the rain and blown off with the wind. I was also able to use the time to pray (another bonus of a rainy day--fewer people giving me weird looks as I talk to myself--or God--as I walk). I've been really struggling lately with feeling like I'm not doing enough to maintain a relationship with God--something I feel is very important in my life. I've also been feeling very alone. I know that thought is my own, not the reality of the situation, but I feel like because of some of the decisions I've made in the past few years I have no right to seek God in my daily life--like I'm not worthy of his time. But tonight I had two songs on my iPod that I ended up playing over and over again that seem to help me start to get past some of those feelings: The Motions by Matthew West, and All I Can Say by David Crowder Band. If you've never heard these two songs, they are definitely worth a listen.

So I'm not sure if I really got the focus I was looking for tonight, but I do know that a walk in the rain can be spiritually cleansing, and that the Minnesota professional sports teams have been absolutely rocking it the past several days. So goodnight ~~faithful readers~~ ~~reader~~ person who stumbled upon my blog accidentally, sleep well.

Go Twins!!

2009-10-03T23:10:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm not really a huge Twins fan, but I love that they're doing well--good for them. That's about all I have on that....

This will be quick, but I feel like I should update because it's been quite a while. Things have been super hectic (big shocker), but I'm done with my med-surg clinical rotation so the semester should go a little more smoothly from here out. I actually should be studying right now, considering I have a test Monday morning, but I just have no motivation. Today is my birthday, and I really thought it would be a normal, laid back Saturday. Not so much. We got up early to go to the St. Paul Farmer's Market. Before we left Martin, Anthony and Kaleb all had presents for me! It was so unexpected and appreciated. After the Farmer's Market and lunch I tried to get some studying done during nap time, but then Anthony brought me home an ice cream cake, so I had a piece of that and took a nap instead. Then tonight we met some friends at BW3s and had some laughs and watched Chicago help keep the Twins in a good spot, and the Wild lose their opener. Overall, it was a really great day!!

I know this is a boring post, but I just wanted to document my day (and add some pics, but I'll do that later) to remember later. I don't feel like I have great days very often, so it's definitely something to be remembered!!

It's still early-ish, but I'm heading to bed so I can get up and study early before my group meets tomorrow. I'm still mixing up early and late decelerations in fetal heart rates...shouldn't be that hard, must be more tired than I thought!!! Nighty-night :)

Oh, and because I love to share his cuteness, here's the munchkin's favorite place to be lately:

Every day, at least a few times a day, he pulls the pillow out of Lexi's cage and crawls on in and plays with his toys or reads a book, or juggles nuks in this case...he makes me smile :)

Gibberish

2009-09-26T05:16:00.000-05:00

So a little while ago I thought to myself "self, why the *&^&^$^%$( are you still up at 5:10 in the morning?" Still. STILL. I'm exhausted. I've spent the last several hours doing very little that could be considered productive. I'm tired as all get out. Yet I'm still up. Why? I have no freaking idea. I got sucked into the interwebs and while I did get a decent amount of schoolwork done, the plan was to be in bed around 11-ish. So much for that.

I don't have much to write...well, that's not really accurate. I have a lot to write, but my brain is almost exclusively speaking in gibberish right now. Anything I say could be hazardous to my health. I will say that the past week has been kinda crappy. I don't know what the heck is going on, but I'm hoping that this, too, shall pass, and things will start swinging back the other way. Until then, I've been doing lots of praying, and being thankful that at the end of a really crappy (CRAPPY!!) day I have this to come home to:

Almost makes it worth all the crap if you ask me. Or at least makes it bearable....

Gosh I love that boy!!

A Thousand Words

2009-09-20T00:31:00.001-05:00

There is so much that I could write about, and so much I want to say, but I'm not finding the words for some of it, and the rest isn't appropriate to be shared in this forum.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of soul searching lately. I hadn't realized how quickly the last 5 or so years have flown by, and how little certain situations have changed. I've always heard the saying "something's gotta give," and I'm to that point now. Unfortunately, until I finish school I'm not in a position to make the kinds of changes I need to make to get on with my life. I'm frustrated and overflowing with emotions and words and finding it hard to find the right words to adequately describe my feelings. Grrrrrr. So now I'm typing myself in circles and overly tired and underly appreciated. Yes, I fully understand that underly is not a word, and to be honest, tonight I just don't give a

So instead, I'm going to share some of the good, some of what makes my bed worth getting out of on a daily basis. These pictures are older, but are still certainly worth more than a thousand words....

And because the munchkin is not the only one to bring a smile to my face.....I present to you Mookie, the wonder Russell

And now, with high hopes that tomorrow (or I guess later today...) will be a better day, I'm off to bed.

I Feel Like I'm Turning Green....

2009-09-16T21:15:00.000-05:00

I. Am. So. TIRED! It's barely nine and I've been ready for bed since the munchkin went down. To be honest, I probably could've gone to bed as soon as I got home from the hospital today, but that would never happen in my reality.

Clinicals this week were actually fun. We had two patients instead of one, plus a team leader for two of three of us. It was the first time I've actually had a good time at clinicals. Prep work for two patients sucks, but it's nice to not have so much down time. For some reason it's easier for me to prioritize and keep a good flow going with more things going on. Even my instructor noticed, and said she'll probably give me three patients in the next couple weeks. That's half exciting, half scary for me. Prep work takes hours with just one patient, I don't even want to think about three...so I won't. I'm already stressed out, no need to make it worse now. I have to finish my professional organization paper tonight, finish my clinical paperwork to turn in after lecture tomorrow (9-11), finish my HAT (Holisitic Assessment Tool) paper.....you know, as I'm typing this I'm having deja vu and thinking I already ranted about how much I have to finish in the next few days. Ok, enough of that. Blah.

As to the title of this post, I feel like I might have been bit by the green eyed monster. It's been a tough return to school after spending three months at home with Kaleb basically 24/7. My parents took him for a weekend right before school started again, but otherwise it's been him and I together all summer. Now that I'm back to school and Martin's out of work, Martin stays home with Kaleb during the day. It's been tougher on me than I thought it would. Not just that I can't spend as much time with him, but because he's starting to go to Martin for so many more things. Tonight for example, I got him ready for bed and had him grab his blanky. Usually he'll grab it and come over to me so we can go downstairs. Tonight (and the past couple nights) he took his blanky over to Martin and tried to climb up on his lap. Kaleb didn't want anything to do with me. Kind of made me want to cry a little. I know it sounds horrible to say I'm upset that my son loves his father and is bonding more with him, but I can't help having a little pity party for myself right now. I'm trying to remember that I should just be thankful that they're bonding more. When Kaleb was first born Martin was a little stand offish with him. Now though, they're buddies and I'm thankful, and I need to let that be more important than my jealousy. Guess that's one more thing to add to my to-do list....

Off to do more homework : p

Throw Another Hamster on the Wheel

2009-09-14T10:23:00.000-05:00

Well, I finished my first test, and did better than I thought I would. I did change two correct answers to the wrong ones (grrr) but I'll still take the A :)

I thought I would feel less stressed with this test out of the way, but no such luck. For this week I still have two small papers to write for nursing, one medium size paper to write for Ethics, my HAT (Holistic Assessment Tool) to re-write (legibly) and turn in, clinicals to prep for (two patients this week--that's a first...and assuming neither goes home in the next three days or oh boy will I be peeved)(well, I'd be happy for them, peeved for more prep), plus, PLUS, some stupid part of my brain thought it might be a good idea to sign up for an honors project so I can graduate with honors this spring. That might have to go to save my sanity...

I met with a classmate at the Y to study yesterday afternoon. Our kiddos went to childcare so we could have some peace. Afterwards I went with my classmate to her church for Alpha. I had started this course quite a few years ago, had never finished, and had been feeling like I wanted to give it a go again. So it was perfect timing for my classmate's invite. Kaleb did well in both child care settings (once I was out of sight) and had fun from what I could see during my peek-ins.

When I have Kaleb out and about with me I usually end up carrying him, or he's in a stroller/cart/whatever. He's still pretty new to the whole walking thing so it's usually safer and faster to just carry him. Yesterday, though, I let him walk most of the places we went. I never realized this, but at every doorway he stops, holds onto the doorjamb and puts one foot over the threshold veeeeerrrrry carefully. Then he puts his second foot over, regains his balance for a sec and takes off again. It's so cute. He doesn't do it at home, except for the doorway going out into the garage--it's a step down. I'm sure he's not certain yet if they're all like this, or what, and it's better to be safe than sorry. Whatever the reason, it's so freaking adorable I just want to pick him up and squeeze him :)

I realize it's Monday today, and I was tempted to do a "Not Me! Monday", but I don't think that's going to happen today. Off to study some more...

Sweet Slobbery Kisses

2009-09-11T21:11:00.000-05:00

One of the reasons I started this little blog is to document some of the cute day to day things my munchkin does that I want to remember. Unfortunately, I never thought I would be as busy as I am and not have time to update the random acts of cuteness on a more frequent basis.

Sheesh! Since my last post alone, SO much has happened (went to the fair, lost my phone, had a crappy week of clinicals, etc, etc). So many moments of cuteness, and some I don't even get to be around for :( I didn't think I would have such a hard time going back to school this year. Last year, when I started first semester, the munchkin was only six weeks old, and it was hard being away from him. I never thought it would be harder this year. Except it is. It's so much harder. He's so much more aware now, so much more fun interacting with, and while I love coming home and seeing that smiling little face ~~stumbling~~ ~~toddling~~ running towards me, I miss him so much when I'm gone.

Ok, enough wallowing in my own mommy misery. There was a really cute moment the other night I wanted to make sure I remember. It was bedtime. Bath was finished, lotion slathered, book(s) read, blankies found (he has two he likes to sleep with and bring upstairs with him), nuk inserted (thankfully he only "needs" it at bedtime). I told Kaleb to go give daddy a kiss goodnight. He turned, and walked over towards his daddy with his mouth wide open. That's how he gives kisses still--sloppy, mouth-wide-open kisses. He got about a foot away and fell into Martin's arms. I love it. It was just a priceless moment for me. My baby walking towards his daddy, arms held high, mouth wide open waiting for his kiss. No hesitation, no wondering if daddy might not be there to catch him. Just pure love and trust. Makes me think we're doing an ok job so far :)

And now, some cuteness to share. We went to the fair on Sunday and had an (overall) good time. I lost my cell phone, which sucks, but other than that... Anyway. We stopped to get some roasted corn on the cob. First of all, the munchkin loves (LOVES!) corn on the cob. Here's some proof:

So we shared part of our corn at the fair with the munchkin. This is the end result:

Sorry for the quality, or lack of. That's from my phone, thankfully I decided to send this pic to a friend, or it would've been lost forever.

And finally, if you'd like a sweet baby kiss, all you've got to do is ask. This is what you'll get:

That's all for me for now. Off to study for our first test that's on Monday. I'm so far behind, this isn't going to be pretty....

Brand Spankin' New

2009-09-02T21:51:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to study for a medical dosages test that I have tomorrow after lecture (that I have to pass with 100%) but I wanted to get a quick story up during a study break.

Yesterday Martin went to run his mom to Target and decided to take the munchkin along. Martin's mom decided Kaleb needed a new pair of shoes (he really did) and some socks (she hates it when he goes barefoot)(which is all the time). I was making supper when they got home and Kaleb was playing with his shoes in the kitchen. He would put one in a drawer, then put another in the tupperware cupboard. It was cute. I suggested putting the shoes on the munchkin. Apparently at the store as soon as he had the shoes on he would revert back to his bear crawling ways. We put the shoes on him and sure enough, he wouldn't walk, would only do his bear crawl.

Even with both Martin and I holding a hand he didn't want to walk. Finally we both let go and just tried to encourage him, cheering when he took even one step, and picking him back up again when he tripped and fell. Everytime we would start cheering for him he would try to take more and more steps and look up to see our reactions. It was a small moment, but it really made me think. There are going to be so many times as Kaleb grows up when I'll want to take him by the hand and help him on his way. But I need to learn how to stand back and watch him take steps on his own, ready to help him back up when he trips and falls.

On a side note, Kaleb didn't want to take his new shoes off until it was time to get jammies on. He was rockin' the diaper and tennis shoes look :) Hopefully I can get a picture up here soon....

Now back to studying for my stupid math test. Stupid math.

Mmmmm Meatloaf...

2009-09-01T17:52:00.000-05:00

This will probably be a short post, but I feel like putting something up today. I had the day off from school today since we only have clinicals one day this week (tomorrow). M had a job with a buddy working on a fence for his mom so it was just the munchkin and I today. We ended up taking a trip to the Como Zoo. Como is a great place in my opinion. You can walk around the lake at Como Park or head over to the zoo. They ask for a donation for an entrance fee, but won't turn anyone away because they can't pay. After driving around for what seemed like forever trying to find a parking spot we headed into the zoo.

It was a little tough today since it was just Kaleb and I. I couldn't take pictures and it was a little tiring taking Kaleb in and out of the stroller so he could see everything. I used an umbrella stroller my mom gave us instead of the big stroller, and it sits a little lower to the ground. It wasn't a huge deal though, and Kaleb loved, loved, LOVED seeing the monkeys. He wasn't too impressed with any of the other animals (except the giraffes), but couldn't get enough of the primate building. It was really cute though, the way his jaw dropped when the big girrafes started moving. I think he thought they were statues :)

The morning went really smoothly, but the afternoon was the complete opposite. For some reason Kaleb decided he wasn't into the whole napping thing today and only slept for about 45 minutes. That tends to make for one crabby baby...and subsequently a crabby mommy. Martin finally got home so I was able to finish working on starting dinner. He took Kaleb along and went to drive his mom to Sam's Club so she could pick up a couple things. Which allowed me time to write this and get dinner in the oven.

Speaking of dinner, I have a story to tell about my attempt at putting it together (and how I was almost foiled by the cats) but it will have to wait. I just heard the car pull into the garage and the timer is about to ding for dinner. What's on the menu? Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. I've never made meatloaf, so we'll see how it goes. Sorry for the boring post....

Wordless Wednesday? Nope. Photo Phriday? Um no. Sleepy Saturday?

2009-08-29T03:16:00.001-05:00

Ok, you got me. It's not Wednesday at all. Not even close in fact. It's not even Friday anymore! But I'm beat. Tired with a capital T, pooped with a capital B. Wait, what? Exactly. My brain is shot. Shot! Kaleb is at Namma and Papa's this weekend (my parents) and I had every intention of ~~facebooking, catching up on blogs, checking emails, photoshopping~~ doing homework tonight. I looked at the criteria for a paper I have to write. I get credit for that, right? I was contemplating adding a new post, but I'm just so dang tired I thought I'd just throw some cute pictures of Kaleb up and call it a night. But I haven't posted anything in a while (which kind of defeats the purpose of having a blog in the first place) so I'm going to do a little of both...

I started this blog with every intention of documenting all the cute things Kaleb does that I want to remember and share. Because seriously? This kid is funny! He makes me laugh out loud on a daily basis. Now if only I was better at keeping up with him in blogland.

I can tell this might be a rambly post, so please bear with me ~~readers~~ um... Me.

Ok. Here we go. Funny things that Kaleb does on a fairly regular basis that still crack me up every time:

Laying down on the floor to look under things (gate, refrigerator, couch, etc.) even though he is mere inches off the floor to begin with:

Shoving things under the gate at the top of the basement stairs. I'm assuming just to see what happens??

Removing the dog dishes from their holder and climbing into the holder.

"Helping" mama in the kitchen...

Putting whatever will fit (and some things that won't) into the seat of his firetruck. I fully expect to find a cat stuffed in there one day....

This one speaks for itself:

Ummmmmm. Well, gotta have something for the graduation posterboard right?

Standing on top of his fire truck in order to see out the window. Hey, I can sympathize, I'm a little short on one end too.

And a couple just because I think they're cute. This is my blog after all. Right?

And finally, to showcase where Kaleb got his talent for interesting ideas, this is what Martin thought would be funny. And I guess it is, as long as you're not the cat...

And that concludes this episode of Naptime Nuggets, also known as the munchkin is out of town, mommy has a free weekend and stayed up waaaaaaay too late updating a blog that ~~no one reads~~ actually has a follower?!? Welcome Sandy :) If I haven't scared you away yet, just wait until tomorrow when I ~~complain~~ write about how much homework I have to do. And not at all because I spent time blogging instead of doing said homework. Nooooooo not me...

My Little Blessing

2009-08-14T23:49:00.005-05:00

From the time I was a child I've always had a bit of a temper. On the outside I tend to look calm and collected, even when under the surface a storm is brewing. I've always said that it takes a lot to get me really peeved, but once I'm to that point, look out.

I grew up in a house where yelling and screaming were the most common forms of communication. It didn't take much for my mom to get mad and when she did the whole house (and sometimes the neighborhood) knew it. Whenever I would get really mad (at my mom, icky roommates, the dogs, etc.) I'd default to yelling. Even with Martin (while I had never had a yelling match with anyone I dated before him) I seem to find myself yelling (sometimes screaming) before I really even know I'm saying anything.

Knowing that I have this tendency (it's definitely something I've been working on, and asking for God's help with), and coming from a background of abuse as a child, I've always worried that I would subject my children to the same fate as myself. It dawned on me the other day though, that so far in his short 13 months, I've never been mad enough at the munchkin to raise my voice at him (a stern voice at times yes, but never more than is necessary for the situation). That's not to say he's a perfect angel (HA!!) or that he never does anything that gets to me (like biting me when he's mad/bored or having to be told for the 37th time in as many minutes not to play in the dog's water dish), but for some reason it is so easy for me to keep my calm with him.

It's hard to explain, but when I became a parent my whole life changed. Not just the parts where I had only myself to think about before, and now I have the munchkin to worry about, but every single cell in my body seems different than it was just shy of two years ago. I never thought that things as simple as an eight toothed grin, random babblings in the morning, a toddler putting his head down on my shoulder and patting my back as I pat his, and a round little face lighting up with pure joy when I come home would be things that would bring tears to my eyes and make me pause and thank God for the best blessing I've ever received.

Maybe that's why it's so easy for me to be calm in teaching Kaleb what is right versus wrong. My little blessing deserves better than his mommy losing her temper over little things that won't matter in the long run and where a calm but stern hand will better teach the lessons of the day. I'm not trying to imply it's always easy for me to not get upset, and there are definitely days where I've lacked patience and have needed a break for some mommy time. Those times used to make me feel like I was failing my son, but now I believe they allow me the perspective to see how I might better handle certain situations.....Like being bitten for the 18th time today, having to dry the floor after the dogs' dish was spilled again, and watching the dogs eat more of my son's meal than he does (as he feeds them his own dinner).

tick, tick, tick

2009-08-12T21:44:00.002-05:00

I've been very good lately at talking myself out of believing that this summer is very quickly coming to an end. I've been feeling very anxious about starting school again, and apparently the best way for my brain to keep sane is to block out that I have only 12 days of munchkin-filled free time. Today I finally broke down and consolidated all the schedules they've been emailing us all summer (lectures/tests/clinical rotations/topic dates). This seems to have taken me one more step out of laid back summer mode and into frazzled, bordering on panic mode that is nursing school.

Last year at this time was a very different and difficult time in my life. My life seemed to be falling apart: I had a newborn, was barely getting any sleep, was depressed, had just found out the truth about some of Martin's affairs (oh if I only knew...), and felt like I was standing on the edge of an impassable abyss. School seemed like a good distraction from everything else that was going on, even though I was nervous about it. Looking back, I don't know how I got through the first semester. In all honesty, I almost didn't. I came very close to having to go before "the committee" to fight for my spot in the program. Thankfully I got it together for 2nd semester and worked to my full potential.

In worrying about this upcoming (3rd) semester, I can't help but reflect on the past year. One thing that I've come to realize is that I've been leaning far too heavily on myself and trying to do too much under my own power. I'm scared for school to start because I just don't know if I can handle it all again. But then I think back and realize that it hasn't been through my own power that I've gotten this far. God has been with me every step of the way, and if I re-learn to lean on Him and His wisdom things will go much more smoothly. So it is in every aspect of life. I don't like the path my life has taken, and unfortunately I've been trying to fix things that are beyond my understanding too much to really move in the direction God has been trying to lead me.

I don't really have a smooth way to end this post, these were the most coherent thoughts that I could pull out of my brain the whole day. Hopefully this fog will lift in the next 12 days...

Not Me Monday

2009-08-10T21:21:00.004-05:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

All right, let's see how this goes. This is my first shot at 'not me' Monday. Even though it might not get posted til late, or even until Tuesday, since the internet has been worse than sketchy around these parts today. I was all set to spend a little me time today catching up on some stuff online: email, facebook, bloggy stuff, Postsecret, practice medication administration problems for the test in the first week of the semester (hey I can be practical). So I handled it really well today when I sat down after the munchkin went down for his nap, all comfy on the couch, fired up my laptop and found….nothing. It was great. I did not get upset, and I certainly didn't ~~swear like a sailor~~ curse my bad luck (loudly) and try for the next hour to get the internet up and running.

After giving up on getting any kind of decent internet connection, I did not start editing some pictures and waste another hour or so doing not much of anything when I could have (should have) been using that time to get stuff done around the house. Like clean up breakfast, for instance, which was most certainly not chili cheese fries left over from last night. I would never eat that kind of junk, especially not for breakfast.

When ~~Sir Crabby Pants~~ the munchkin woke up from his nap he was riper than ripe, and dead set against having his diaper changed. I'm sure glad I didn't have to hold him down by pinning his arms with my legs. I never have to do that. He always just lies there calmly while I change his diaper. In fact, some days I wonder if I'm the only one with a child so well behaved…

I made a lovely dinner tonight: boneless country style pork chops, skin-on garlic mashed potatoes, broccoli with cheese sauce, and homemade beer bread. I did not even add sour cream to the gravy like the recipe called for and not tell Martin since I know he doesn't like sour cream (or so he says…)

That about sums up my day. My plan for the night is to clean up the house and get some laundry done. I'm definitely not going to waste any time online when I could be doing something productive. Ha!

Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your blessings in stone.

Photoshopping Spree

2009-08-08T00:26:00.005-05:00

Well, as an update, my biscuits turned out pretty well. They didn't raise as much as I'd hoped (could be old flour or baking powder), but they weren't hockey pucks either. They were moist (as moist as biscuits should be anyway) and yummy, and I'll definitely try them again. On tomorrow's menu is an easy beer bread (provided Martin didn't drink it all) with an italian twist, along with spaghetti and (homemade) meatballs.

On another note, I've wanted forever to add Photoshop Elements 6 to my laptop (it's on the computer downstairs, I just haven't been using that one much), and organize/consolidate/delete pictures from the past year. I think I have more pictures from the last year than from the past 5 years combined. I have the munchkin to thank for that :)

So I was reading MckMama's blog, who always has amazing pictures and happened to find a link to some photography lessons she also posted (I really don't know how she finds time for it all) and was inspired to quit procrastinating (now that I only have a couple weeks until school starts again and I lose my free time) and get started on that. Some of my efforts have been ok, some not so much... I'm adding one of the pictures I like onto this post just to show off my munchkin. I could just nibble him to pieces.

This one is an old picture, he was probably about 6 months old here:

I don't really have much else to write on this stormy night. I guess I've been doing a lot of reflecting over the past couple weeks about my life, my faith, and the road I'm on, but I'm not sure I can put any of it into coherent thoughts that would be of value to anyone else at this point.

I will add this though, to end on a positive note. Kaleb (my little munchkin) has been working on his walking lately. The day before his first birthday he stood up without any assistance or anything to hold onto, then later that night took his first steps. He kind of backed off for a couple weeks and went back to mostly crawling/bear walking. The past day or two, however, he's started standing up in the middle of the room, making sure I'm watching, then taking 5 or 6 or 20(!) steps, then sitting down, looking at me all proud and grinning like "look what I did mama".

I love him more every day :)

This one I didn't really do much with, except for cropping it and erasing some unknown goo...

Channeling Martha Stewart

2009-08-03T15:46:00.010-05:00

Ok, so I know I'll never be as organized, creative, or anal as Martha is, but I've been trying to find ways to make life a little easier lately. One way is to try to cut down on prep time for meals so we're not tempted to throw in the towel and just get take out when the hungries strike.

We ventured out the the farmer's market on Saturday, and got there too late to avoid the crowds and get good tomatoes :( But we did find some good veggies to throw together into a concoction we call Sunday Soup. It was traditionally made on Sundays in Martin's family, and we throw some together every now and again. It's really very simple--a big pot of water, beef (cheap cuts work well and end up nice and tender), seasonings (boullian if we have it, bay leaves, garlic/onion powders, salt, pepper, and so on), veggies (we use potatoes, carrots, frozen green beans and frozen corn). Throw everything but the frozen veggies in a pot and let it simmer for a couple hours, throw in the frozen veggies and some cabbage (half to one head) til warmed and you're set. After I put most of the leftovers in the fridge I took the remaining broth and froze it to use later (soup starter, instead of water in rice, etc). No room for waste these days :)

After I got the soup taken care of, I went to work on getting some meals put together for the next couple weeks. We bought some hamburger on sale this past weekend--two 2lb. packages. I separated one package into two separate pounds. I combined one of the pounds with a package of hot italian sausage (also a good sale find) and some italian seasoning to make meatballs for spaghetti. The remaining three pounds I seasoned with some ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, and McCormack's grillmates we had on hand, formed into 1/4 pound patties and froze them too.

Plans for today are some quick and easy peanut butter cookies, and my first attempt at homemade biscuits. Should be interesting...or disastrous. Wish me luck...

On a less Martha-y note, I'm still scared out of my brain worrying about what's going to happen with Martin being out of work. It's a little ironic because over the last several months when one thing after the other was going wrong with Martin's job situation, I encouraged him to remember that God has plans bigger than those we have for ourselves and we can't always see the logic of those plans until we're looking back at a situation. But somehow now I find it so difficult to really let go of my fear and turn this situation over and trust that things will be ok. I'm working on it, but I have a feeling it's going to be an hour by hour struggle at this point.

Silver Lining??

2009-07-31T15:13:00.003-05:00

I started this blog originally to just have a place to talk about the goings on of my days. I think today that it will be travelling in a new direction.

This week has been pretty stressful: money has been really tight, school is right around the corner and I still have lots to do before I start, and then to top it off, Martin lost his job. He came home yesterday morning and had a meeting this morning. A "hearing" of sorts, to see if he could convince the powers that be that he should keep his job. The details don't really matter at this point, suffice it to say that he got screwed over royally, and multiple times. I'm so angry and frustrated for him, but mostly I'm just scared. Out of my mind.

I don't know if he will be eligible for unemployment benefits or not, but at this moment we're losing more than half our monthly income. The income that's left is almost enough to cover rent and child support to Martin's ex. Almost is not very comforting right now. What makes the situation that much more stressful is the varying beliefs Martin and I have regarding money, and how it should be spent/saved/etc. I think we're going to have to make some very big changes and sacrifices, as well as take in a roommate. While we agree on the roommate part, he's so laid back about finding one, and about believing we shouldn't have to cut anything out (gym memberships, cable, eating out, etc.) that I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. That I'd like to slam my head against. To top it off, I'm more of a planner and like to have several options in place depending on what happens day-to-day. He's more the take everything as it comes and hope there's someone/something that will save us at that time. I may very well lose my mind.

I don't know how things are going to work out, but you can bet this blog will not be the lighthearted naptime banter I'd hoped it would be. My heart is heavy and my brain feels like it's going to explode.

I should be napping....

2009-07-22T14:24:00.002-05:00

...well actually, I should be doing the Mt. Everest sized pile of laundry that has managed to accumulate over the past few days. Seriously--you can't take more than a step into the laundry room. But a nap sounds much more appealing. And judging from the grunts, whines, and babbling coming from the baby monitor, Kaleb's nap time is almost over. Which means my me-time is quickly coming to an end for today. Not that I mind, really, once I see that happy little face still squishy and wrinkly from sleep I seem to forget how exhausted I am....

More later, the Munchkin is very much awake and not happy about it.