tick, tick, tick

I've been very good lately at talking myself out of believing that this summer is very quickly coming to an end. I've been feeling very anxious about starting school again, and apparently the best way for my brain to keep sane is to block out that I have only 12 days of munchkin-filled free time. Today I finally broke down and consolidated all the schedules they've been emailing us all summer (lectures/tests/clinical rotations/topic dates). This seems to have taken me one more step out of laid back summer mode and into frazzled, bordering on panic mode that is nursing school.

Last year at this time was a very different and difficult time in my life. My life seemed to be falling apart: I had a newborn, was barely getting any sleep, was depressed, had just found out the truth about some of Martin's affairs (oh if I only knew...), and felt like I was standing on the edge of an impassable abyss. School seemed like a good distraction from everything else that was going on, even though I was nervous about it. Looking back, I don't know how I got through the first semester. In all honesty, I almost didn't. I came very close to having to go before "the committee" to fight for my spot in the program. Thankfully I got it together for 2nd semester and worked to my full potential.

In worrying about this upcoming (3rd) semester, I can't help but reflect on the past year. One thing that I've come to realize is that I've been leaning far too heavily on myself and trying to do too much under my own power. I'm scared for school to start because I just don't know if I can handle it all again. But then I think back and realize that it hasn't been through my own power that I've gotten this far. God has been with me every step of the way, and if I re-learn to lean on Him and His wisdom things will go much more smoothly. So it is in every aspect of life. I don't like the path my life has taken, and unfortunately I've been trying to fix things that are beyond my understanding too much to really move in the direction God has been trying to lead me.

I don't really have a smooth way to end this post, these were the most coherent thoughts that I could pull out of my brain the whole day. Hopefully this fog will lift in the next 12 days...