Don't cry over spilled tater tots

In my last post, I was writing about how uncertain I am about how to be the best parent to Kaleb. I want to parent him lovingly and effectively, without overindulging or smothering.

This idea has been nagging me for a while, and it only grows as Kaleb does. Now that he's more mobile, and more aware of cause and effect, and is pushing limits (because that's what he's supposed to do at this age), I worry that I'm going to default to the way I was raised. With the yelling, and the controlling, and the making big deals out of little things. I believe that being conscious of that fear is an important step, but I feel the need to be more proactive with it. Never more so than after dinner Saturday night.
 I spent most of the day working on a final paper due for school. I went upstairs to make dinner, and while I was working on the sloppy joes Martin got tater tots out of the freezer and put them on a cookie sheet on the counter. He set the oven to preheat and went back into the living room. During this time Kaleb was wandering around with his latest favorite toy. The broom.


Yes, the broom.


He's so cute walking around sweeping everything he can. He holds the very end of the broom handle and pushes it around in front of him. Adorable.


So I got the sloppy joes going, the oven was preheating, the boys were all in the living room, and I had to run back downstairs to the family room to check an email I knew had come in. Suddenly I heard what sounded like a bunch of marbles hit the floor. I knew right away what it was, but not what caused it (it's sometimes hard to tell around here, what with a sometimes klutzy teenager, a toddler, six cats, and two dogs).


I ran upstairs and got to the kitchen the same time Martin finally walked over from the living room. On my way up the stairs I heard Kaleb saying "Ooooh" which is his "uh-oh" that usually means he did something. When I walked into the kitchen I see the broom on the floor...along with a cookie sheet and frozen tater tots. My poor baby knew that what had happened wasn't a good thing, and I could tell he was upset, but I was also sure he didn't intend to knock the tray on the floor.


Martin right away got upset and I could tell he was going to start yelling. Over tater tots. Tater tots! The whole 5lb bag cost $5, and we were down to the last 2 servings so it's not like Kaleb knocked a ming vase off the counter. It was a cookie sheet of tater tots. Add to that the fact that I'm sure it was an accident, and I don't see the good that could come from making a 16 month old feel terrible about accidentally knocking something off the counter.


Normally I would just let Martin yell and get upset and just stay out of the way until he decided to calm down and act rationally. But when I walked in and saw the look in our son's eyes it broke my heart. What I saw in those little brown eyes was that he knew he knocked the cookie sheet down, he knew that it wasn't a good thing that had happened, and he already felt badly. He saw Martin getting worked up and was getting ready to start crying. I stepped in, told him it was ok, I knew it was an accident, that we'd clean it up and everything would be ok. He helped me clean up the mess, and everything was fine. It got me thinking though...


What about down the road when it's not a situation as simple as tater tots accidentally knocked off the counter? How will I handle it when he starts acting purposefully defiant (which he will--he got a double dose of stubborn, like my best friend likes to say), or when he starts pushing limits even more? How do I parent him without controlling him, without screwing him up, and without ever making him feel like he's worthless for making the mistakes that he will make--that we all do? How do I get Martin on board so Kaleb has consistency?


The short answer is: I don't know.


But I'm determined, and on a mission to figure it out. I have a few ideas, and a few resources that were suggested, so I'm going to check them out. You can be sure you'll hear about my (our) progress :)

For now, though, I'm off. I'm ready to be finished with school for a while (a whole month!!), and to have time to just breathe again.

Cute pictures coming soon :D