Domestic Goddess...

...I am not!! Not even close. Sure, I can keep up with the laundry (usually), and I spend time when I can planning meals, experimenting cooking, and cleaning (ok, not as much as I should). But sometimes I wish I had the time to really throw myself into the whole SAHM thing. Maybe it's a stereotype that I shouldn't box myself into, but I would love to spend my days playing with and teaching the munchkin, keeping up on domestic chores, running errands, sewing (I own a sewing machine that has never been used!) and making yummy, delicious meals and treats. I guess if all I did (all I did, as if everything that a SAHM does is so easy and irrelevant--definitely not how I meant it) was stay home with Kaleb I could more easily throw myself into the Donna Reed-ish role I have in my head.

But I'm not a run of the mill SAHM. I'm also a full time student. I started nursing school when my son was six weeks old. I was still exhausted with a baby that was waking up to eat every four hours. He hadn't yet gotten to the point of having long stretches of alert time yet. Everyone in my class thought I was crazy (I probably was a little bit, between sleep deprivation, trying to find time and places to pump at school, and post-partum depression) but I was determined to make it work.

I honestly don't know how I made it through that first semester. With the help of God and a wonderful support system I made it on to the second semester. Second semester pretty much flew by, and with the exception of all night clinical prep sessions I made it through with my sanity mostly intact.

Then came summer. Oh wonderful summer, how I miss thee! I had such big plans for the munchkin and I. Some expectations were met, others not so much, but I'd go back in a heartbeat. We joined a fabulous morning program at a local water park, made trips to Lifetime for water aerobics (well, I did, the munchkin played in the child care center), splashed in the kiddie pool, went for walks and took trips to the park. But I still felt exhausted from the stress of school and never really found a good balancing act between house work and play time with Kaleb. I felt like I had missed out on so much during school that I just wanted to focus on soaking as much munchkin time up as possible.

Before I knew it school was starting again, and suddenly I feel like I'm right back to that place I was in during first semester. In some ways it's easier with Kaleb being a year older, other ways it's so much harder. Once I walk in the door from school it's full-on mommy mode until bedtime. Then I usually end up working on school stuff until at least 1 o'clock in the morning, don't get enough sleep and end up exhausted in the morning. I shouldn't complain because I'm lucky to be in this program (there were 700+ applicants for 100 spots), and I'm doing what's best for my family. But I still feel a little sad.

Back when I started this blog (just a few months ago) Martin had just lost his job. We were scared and the future was uncertain. However, things couldn't have worked more in our favor, and I truly believe God's hand was in the whole situation. Having Martin home has been the best thing for our family. Kaleb gets to spend one on one time with his daddy, and they've never been closer. Martin is so much more relaxed than when he was in the bad situation at work, and both of us get to be with our son most of the day, every day. I should be so thankful for that.

I should be more thankful. But I'm a little ashamed to admit that I'm jealous. Jealous and sad. I want to be the one spending my whole day with Kaleb. I feel horrible even admitting that, because I'm sure there are families who would love to be able to have one parent home all day long, but can't. It shouldn't, but it hurts a little when Kaleb wants daddy, not mommy, to bring him into his room for a nap. Or when I do something the "wrong" way because Kaleb and daddy do it a different way that I'm not familiar with because I'm not home.

I hate that I sound so selfish. I need to snap out of it and just be thankful that I've been able to spend as much time with him as I have--much more than if I had to work full time. I guess I just needed to vent a little.

So as much as I would love to be able to claim domestic goddess status, part of me doesn't care that my house isn't always presentable spotless, my dinners aren't always slaved over (thank you McDonald's), our laundry is frequently in some stage of unwashed/washed but not dried/dried but not folded/folded but not put away, and my sewing machine has never been used. Because when my son is older it will be the pictures and stories of him that I pass down that are important, not how wonderful of a housekeeper I was.

You know, stories like how he tried to give the water a hug at the zero depth pool this summer, how he tried to steamroll a little boy at the library, how he walks all the way across the living room with his mouth wide open to give daddy a kiss before nap time, and how he tracked down his own fork so he could help himself to some of daddy's spaghetti at lunch today.

And when Kaleb is grown with a family of his own, I will remember how thankful I was to be around during the day for moments like these: