It feels lately like nothing can go right. I've been struggling with school in a way I haven't since first semester. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted all of the time. We found out that Martin is no longer eligible for unemployment, and it's just a matter of time before everything falls apart. I was just trying to focus on getting through the next couple months while being the best mommy I can be while finishing school so I can support us. Then last Saturday morning happened.
I was in the middle of a dream where I was trying to swim in a pool with a polar bear (a friendly one), but I couldn't stay above water. The harder I swam, the faster I sank. Right then Martin was shaking me awake saying "Becky, wake up, Dozer's dead." The words made no sense, and it took a while for me to make sense of what was happening. Dozer was our big boy kitty. He was seriously huge--not fat, just really large. When he walked next to me I could hold his tail without leaning even a little to the side. Kaleb loved laying on him like he was a big body pillow, and Dozer just put up with it. He was the sweetest kitty who's favorite thing in the world to do was take naps with me. He'd crawl under the blankets and curl up right next to me; when I was pregnant he'd lay next to me and knead my belly. Even though many people think pets are disposable, he was a big part of my life and is sadly missed.
What makes me the most angry about the whole situation is the way Dozer died. We have a big plastic food bin, and Dozer was constantly trying to open the lid and eat the food. After he dumped it and the cats ate all the food, we got a new, bigger bin for the dogs, and moved theirs downstairs for the cats. It had a handle that flipped up in order to unlock the lid. Dozer was always trying to push it open with his nose to get at the food, just like he could with the smaller one. Sometime that Friday afternoon, he succeeded. He got into the food bin, and one of the other cats must have jumped on the lid once it closed, which made the handle latch just enough that it locked. Poor Dozer was locked inside the airtight bin, and I was so out of it that day (it was a really bad day) that I never realized he was missing. It should've dawned on me when he didn't come up to try to scam some of Kaleb's dinner. Martin found him laying in the food bin the next morning when he went in to feed the cats.
It was such a senseless accident, and the danger of the food bin never dawned on me. It angers me that a pet supply company would design and sell a bin that had that danger as a possibility. It makes me so angry. Right away we checked the dogs' bin, and that one has a handle that secures from the bottom, so there's no way it can accidentally latch. To top it off, we don't have the money to properly dispose of poor Dozer. The vet needs $85 to have him cremated if we don't want the remains back, and $130 if we do. The only other advice they could give was to bury him. We rent--not sure the owners (or the homeowner's association for that matter) would appreciate that gesture. We're still over $300 short on our rent this month, so we definitely don't have that kind of money. So as creepy as it seems, we have Dozer wrapped up in a box inside a bag inside our big freezer until we can afford to have him properly taken care of.
I know in the grand scheme of things, the death of a pet is low on the list of things that could go wrong. It just seems like the past few years it's been one thing after another and if something does go right, it's not for very long. I'm really not trying to have a pity party here. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am, I'm just also tired of the number of things that have gone to crap.
I don't really have much else to write right now, and I have two papers that were due yesterday that I really should finish. It would suck to be kicked out of the program a month and a half away from graduation for something as dumb as not turning in some papers. Blah.
1 comment:
I didn't know you wrote a blog. But I am enjoying it....I do want to say this:
Our pets are like our kids. Anyone who has a pet and has a lick of sense knows this. It is just as heart wrenching to lose a pet or have our pets become sick, as it is for our family members or babies to do the same.
I cried for you and Dozer as I read this.
I know I'm a little bit late, but may his heart rest peacefully in Kitty Heaven.
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